


singing in red

by starlightstarshine



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Childhood Friends, Flashbacks, Gang Violence, M/M, Swearing, friends to strangers to lovers, he tian and guan shan suppress their feelings for years, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2020-08-11 20:03:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20159296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightstarshine/pseuds/starlightstarshine
Summary: In which He Tian is the bassist for the most popular band in the world and Guan Shan is only doing modelling so that he could get enough money to pay for his next meal (based on that art by Old Xian).





	1. Get the Camera Ready

**Author's Note:**

> People all over the world are wondering, who is this mysterious redhead that the band Silver Gun is singing about? Everyone knows that all of Silver Gun’s songs are written by bassist He Tian, a total hottie and music genius, but nobody knows who his beautifully heart wrenching songs are written about. Will we ever know who this mysterious redhead, who broke He Tian’s heart, is or will He Tian take this secret to his grave? I, dear readers, hope not. Personally, I want to know who got a man like He Tian roped up so tight that Silver Gun got whole albums dedicated to redheads.
> 
> xoxo, your favourite Silver Gun fansite, Gold Bullet

If Guan Shan hears another track from Silver Gun being played he was ready to storm out of the place. Salary be damned, it wasn’t worth going through another song about not being loved. The expression Guan Shan is making must be awfully distasteful cause the cameraman takes one look at it and he shakes his head. 

“You need to look less like a murderer and more like you don’t give a shit about life.” 

Guan Shan grinds his teeth in annoyance, “Can somebody change the music?” 

He tightens the grip on the backpack handle he was wearing. He’s always been more uncomfortable with the school uniform photoshoots. Maybe it had something to do with the thought of school itself or the fact that the uniforms were always a tad bit too tight. Guan Shan never wanted to delve into it too much. There are too many things in the world he hates, he can’t be thinking why he does about every single one. Especially not about the tracks performed by Silver Gun. 

The cameraman’s eyebrows furrow, “You don’t like Silver Gun? Everyone is crazy about them these days. The stylists work better with them on, but we’ll change it if you want.” 

It’s surprising how lenient he is. It’s not like Guan Shan is some supermodel. He’s barely in one photo shoot per month, taking these gigs for extra cash rather than for a proper career. People usually hire him for his unusual red hair rather than his model-like looks which in his opinion, doesn’t exist. He should be more concerned that he’s going nowhere in this business, his red hair could only get him so far. Then again, it’s not like he’s working towards a goal when he’s too busy doing multiple part-time jobs. 

The cameraman calls over his assistance and when the music changes to some generic pop song from an idol group, Guan Shan could feel himself relax. 

The camera clicks. 

* * *

The camera won’t stop clicking and Guan Shan is this close to flinging it off the building. His tired eyes glare at the boy with raven black hair and annoyingly clear and pale skin kneeling over him with a digital camera in front of his face. The redhead formulates a plan in his head to kill the boy’s brother for buying him an annoyingly loud camera. 

“Will you cut it He Tian for fuck's sake, I’m trying to get some fucking sleep.” 

He Tian snorts as he tucks the camera away, “You act like you don’t sleep in every class we’re in.” 

“Nobody asked for your input.” 

“And nobody asked you to look so fucking gorgeous while sleeping.” 

Guan Shan attempts to kick the other, but He Tian dodges him easily while laughing. 

“One day I’m going to murder you,” Guan Shan threatens. 

“Awww redhead, we both know you won’t do that. I’m the only friend you have.” 

“Like shit you are my friend.” 

“Says the guy who followed me to the rooftop.” 

“I wanted to make sure you aren’t going to fight anyone.” 

“See you do care.” 

“No, I just don’t want there to be a murder at this school.” 

“You think I’m that good?” 

“No, I think you would be the one that would end up dead.” 

He Tian leans forward and yanks the other’s hair playfully and Guan Shan hisses in pain. 

“I saved your ass from She Li remember?”

Guan Shan grabs the other’s wrists and twists it away, “Fucking wish you didn’t cause then I wouldn’t know your stupid ass.” 

“My ass is perfectly gorgeous thank you very much.” 

“Then take pictures of your ass.” 

He Tian takes his hand from the other’s grip and lays on the ground next to the redhead, “I rather take pictures of your ass.” 

Guan Shan rolls his eyes, “Tell me one good reason why I shouldn’t throw you and that stupid camera off the roof.” 

“Because you don’t want a murder happening in this school.” 

“...” 

“And cause my brother is part of a gang and his gang will hunt you down for destroying such an expensive camera.” 

Guan Shan closes his eyes again, “Forgot your brother’s a fucking piece of work. Why did he buy you that stupid thing anyway?”

“Maybe he wants me to be a photographer.” 

“Like you ever could or want to be.” 

“I mean looking at pretty girls all day, sign me the fuck up.” 

Guan Shan snorts, “You're such a fucking pervert.”

“You’re just jealous that you don’t have a cult following like I do.”

Guan Shan scoffs, “Yes He Tian, I’m jealous that you have so many girls following you every day that you can’t even eat your lunch in peace without having to go to the rooftop.”

“See I knew you were jealous. Besides this is all training for when I actually become a celebrity.” 

“What are you going to get famous for, murdering someone?” 

He Tian becomes oddly quiet after that question. 

Despite himself, Guan Shan finds his eyes open and stare at the other’s face, which was staring up at the sky blankly. 

“Have you suddenly turned mute?” 

He Tian snorts, “I could be a rockstar.” 

Guan Shan snorts back, “You know how to play like three notes on the bass guitar.” 

He Tian rolls his eyes in retaliation, “Okay what do you want to be?” 

“How the fuck would I know? We’re not even done high school yet. We have a long time to think about that bullshit.” 

He Tian turns towards him and smirks, “You could be a chef.” 

Guan Shun huffs in annoyance,“You just want me to make you beef stew all day.” 

He Tian leans on his elbows and pokes the other’s cheek, “How about this? I become a famous rockstar and you can be my househusband and supply me my daily dose of your beef stew.” 

Guan Shan twists the finger that is poking his cheek, “You know I’ll poison it.” 

He Tian doesn’t even flinch, instead, he laughs and easily pulls his finger away from the other’s grip, “So you're fine with being my husband?” 

Guan Shan feels his face grow warm which only causes He Tian to laugh harder. 

“One day I will kill you. This is a promise.” 

Laughing He Tian takes out his camera again, “Stay like that.” 

Before Guan Shan could push the other away, the camera clicks. 

* * *

He Tian blinks rapidly as he sees another flash of a camera. The crowds' cheer is loud and everyone is singing along to their song, his song. Well, they are all his songs, he’s the only member in the group with decent music writing skills. Despite the fact that he entered the whole music thing pretty late. 

They take a bow after their final song, and all He Tian could see is flashes of bright light. The crowd chants their name over, over and over again. 

“Silver Gun! Silver Gun!” 

Those words echo in his ears as he walks off stage. 

“Ugh, why were there so many cameras. Those flashes were burning my eyes,” their lead singer Xiao Hui complains as she takes off her earpiece backstage. 

He Tian scoffs as he passes over his bass guitar to a staff, “Is that why you were so off-pitch today?”

Xiao Hui pouts, “Why are you being so rude?” 

“I wouldn’t need to be if you just sang properly,” He Tian points out, his tone sharp and annoyed for reasons he can’t even identify. She really wasn’t that bad today, but He Tian doesn’t need an excuse to be mean to their fellow lead singer. Sometimes he gets bored and when he gets bored he likes to insult the members of his group. 

“C’mon guys,” their lead drummer Zhan Zheng Xi interferes, “Can we go one day without arguing?” 

His brown hair was tousled to perfection and He Tian hated how much attention their stylist usually gave the other. It’s more of an ego thing than a jealousy one, He Tian knows he’s the most good looking in the group and the stylists cooing over his looks on the daily gives him a sense of pride. 

He Tian rolls his eyes at the drummer, “Do you have to always be the pacifier?” 

Zheng Xi twirls his drumsticks in his hands as if he really wouldn’t care less if He Tian and Xiao Hui killed each other in the next minute, “Only when my bandmates are acting like children.” 

From the other side of the room, their guitarist Zhang Wei laughs, “Don’t piss He Tian off guys otherwise we’re not going to get any more songs.” 

Zheng Wei is another matter entirely. Unlike the other two members, Zhang Wei came in the last minute when their previous guitarist quit in order to become a Buddhist, something about finding himself in the mountains. He Tian allowed the other to join out of necessity rather than liking, something about Zheng Wei’s large laughs and cocky grin made He Tian want to punch the other in the face. Also dying his hair ridiculous colours like pink and purple didn’t help He Tian liking him more. 

“I started songwriting!” Xiao Hui exclaims even though literally no one asked. 

He Tian snorts, “I heard the songs, they all suck.” 

He really didn’t listen to any of it, didn’t really care enough to but anything to get on her nerves. 

She grabs Zheng Xi’s arms, “Tell him to stop being so mean.” 

“Of course you need your boyfriend to defend you,” He Tian taunts. 

Xiao Hui blushes at the implication but Zheng Xi simply brushes her hands off, “You’re coming to the after-party right?” 

He Tian frowns at the reminder, as much as he loves the attention he was really just hoping to go to his hotel room tonight and sleep until the flight tomorrow afternoon. 

Zhang Wei walks towards him and slings an arm on his shoulder, “Dude you have to come! I heard some idols are going to be there!” 

“Yeah,” Xiao Hui adds, “Jian Yi from J5 is going to be there!” 

“Plus it’s going to look bad if one us aren’t there,” Zheng Xi interjects. 

“Most importantly,” Wei whispers, “Li Xiu Ying is going to be there and we all know she’s into you.” 

He Tian shoves the arm away resisting the urge to twist it as he does, “I’m not into her,” he replies his voice sharp and irritated. 

Wei looks offended, “Dude how can you not be into her? She’s a supermodel. Besides, she’s a redhead and we all know you are into that.” 

He Tian scowls. He feels his skin start to crawl and his heart is at his throat. Despite the pounding that starts in his head, he remains his composure and in the most normal voice he could muster he asks, “And why do you think that?” 

“Dude all our love songs are about some redheaded girl!” 

“Actually,” Zheng Xi interjects again which he really should stop doing, “It’s all about some redheaded boy.” 

The pounding in his head gets louder. 

Wei rolls his eyes, “We all know he changes the gender so Hui can sing it.” 

Zheng Xi raises his eyebrows, “Oh, do we?” 

Wei frowns at the drummer and they both start a staring contest. They glare at each other, neither of them refusing to back down. It’s ridiculous and childish but like He Tian and Xiao Hui, they liked to get on each other’s nerves except their fights were more serious and ends up with one of them on the floor bleeding. Not that He Tian blames either of them, he wants to do the same to both of them on a daily basis. 

He Tian momentarily closes his eyes in order to quiet down the pounding in his head. He reminisces the memory of being back at the rooftop, feeling like he could do anything as he glances at the bright red hair being illuminated by the sunlight. The soft wind would blow the fringes and He Tian had always had the urge to tuck the loose strands of hair. But he was always afraid of disturbing the other’s sleep. 

Yeah, that’s what he was afraid of. 

His eyes snap back open when he hears someone calling them. 

“Silver Gun can we get a picture?” One of the staff members asks with a camera in hand, probably to take a picture for the press. 

Wei and Zhang Xi forget their staring contest as they turn towards the camera. Even Xiao Hui perks up. 

He Tian puts on his legendary smirk as the camera clicks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to stelle aka ao3 user Yumessc for beta reading my work!!!


	2. Turn on the Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fans of Silver Gun have always been amazed by He Tian’s music writing skills. Unlike most music geniuses He Tian only seriously pursued music at the start of adulthood rather than nurturing it from childhood. Despite the short time he had to hone his skills, the songs he creates are exceptional and memorable. And always at the top of the charts. What’s the secret to his music success? (aside from his mysterious redheaded muse). Well according to He Tian it's his energy drinks. Tons and tons of them.
> 
> xoxo, your favourite Silver Gun fansite, Gold Bullet

Guan Shan flips the light switch and to his annoyance, the lights don’t turn on. He flips it on and off until he feels his blood pressure go through the roof. He stomps downstairs and to sour his mood even further, he finds not his landlord but his landlord’s son sitting by the electricity box flipping through a magazine. If the boy had hair long enough to grab he would have ripped it out by now. 

“Hey, baldie what happened to my electricity!?” 

The boy looks up from his magazine tiredly, which aggravates Guan Shan even more, “You have been living here for a couple of months shouldn’t you know my name by now?” 

Guan Shan scoffs, “Why the fuck would I bother to learn your name? Turn the electricity for my room back on.”

The boy puts the magazine down and extends his arm, palm facing upward, “I will when you give me this month’s rent.” 

Guan Shan freezes and he feels like punching himself in the face. It’s not like he has a horrible memory but he’s been paying so many bills lately that he thought he paid the rent with all the other payments. He feels faint thinking about the 50 cents he has in his bank account. 

The boy sighs, “Look kid-” 

“Shut the fuck up you’re legit the same age as me.” 

“Oh, so you remember my age but not my name.” 

“Look I’ll pay you later,” Guan Shan says, sounding tired and dejected. 

The boy looks at him with pity, “Dude my mom is pissed, she wants it by today.”

Guan Shan sighs, expecting nothing less, he thinks of ways to get money and for a second he brainstorms selling his kidney, but the boy interrupts his thoughts, “Look I’ll talk to my mom for you.” 

Guan Shan squints, nothing in the world is free, “What do you want?” 

The boy looks at him smugly, “Your beef stew. You were cooking it yesterday I could smell it from the bottom floor.” 

Guan Shan scrunches his nose. He lives on the third floor, he didn’t know his beef stew could give off such a strong smell. Thankfully he has some leftover stew so he nods and extends his arms to shake the other’s hand, “That’s a deal.”

The boy opens the electricity box and flips a switch, “I can only give you a day though.” 

Guan Shan nods, not wanting to ask for more. He prays that the manager at his convenience store would give him an early pay tomorrow. 

Guan Shan is going to hang up a picture of his manager to his wall and pray to it every night. He practically bows a million times to his boss as he leaves while holding a paycheck with enough money to pay for his rent. 

Of course, as repayment Guan Shan is working for the entire day today, with no breaks, which has to break some type of law. But it’s not like Guan Shan cares. All he does is make money to survive so it’s not like he has something else to do. He stares outside at the pounding rain and hears the low rumble of thunder. 

Besides, it’s not like there is going to be a lot of people that are going to come to the store with this type of weather outside. 

And he’s right because aside from the one soaking wet customer who came inside to buy an umbrella, the store gained no visitors. Guan Shan found himself looking through his phone for job listings to pass time. Guan Shan debates just sleeping until he hears the door jingle. He looks up at the customer and sees a black hooded figure walking into the store. Guan Shan goes rigid, he definitely does not have enough energy to fight a burglar today. After closing the umbrella, the figure walks straight past the counter with its head down and jets to the energy drinks section. Guan Shan’s shoulders relax. 

Probably a university student. Who else walks outside in the pouring rain at 11:30 pm for an energy drink aside from a university student. But Guan Shan stares at the customer anyway, cause if his life has taught him anything it’s that don’t let your guard down unless you want life to kick you in the ass. 

The customer, noticing Guan Shan’s staring unto their back, turns around. The figure’s, the man’s eyes are covered by huge sunglasses and his mouth is covered with a mask. 

“Do you mind-” he starts, but stops midway as his eyes settle unto the redhead. 

“Mo Guan Shan?” the man asks pulling down his mask. 

Guan Shan startles, his blood starts rushing to his ears and his heart beats wildly. To his annoyance, he could recognize that voice anywhere, even if he didn’t want to. And those damn lips, he has it memorized with the number of times he would absentmindedly stare at it during high school. 

He gulps, “He Tian?”

Lightning cracks and thunder booms. 

In accordance with his luck, the lights shut down at that exact same moment. 

* * *

“Why is your flat completely dark?” He Tian asks as Guan Shan opens the doors to his apartment 

Guan Shan squints at the sudden light, “Hi, nice to see you too, dipshit.” 

He Tian snorts, “What did your mom forget to pay the electricity again or something?” 

Guan Shan blinks at the figure standing in front of him. Even with a simple sports jacket and sweatpants He Tian still manages to look like he walked off a magazine. It’s unfair that someone can look so effortlessly good. 

“Why, are you going to pay for it?” 

He Tian leans against the doorframe, almost looking bashful, “Maybe.” 

Months ago Guan Shan would have punched He Tian in the face for that while screaming ‘I don’t want your pity’, while his mind wondered ‘what does he want from me?’. But what is Guan Shan without character development? So instead of creating a scene he simply snorts, “How long are you going to live off of your brother?” 

“Until I’m a rockstar.” 

“You’re still on that bullshit.” 

“Careful Mo Guan Shan, who knows in 10 years I might be in the biggest rock band in the universe.” 

“Keep dreaming asshole. Just shut up and come in.” 

He Tian taps his feet, “I’m not sure if I want to come in.” 

Guan Shan drags He Tian in before he could react and slams the door behind him. 

“If you’re going to kill me just do it quick. I would be grateful to die in the arms of my first love.” 

This time Guan Shan expects the hand aimed towards the vicinity of He Tian’s voice to hit. But the boy manages to dodge it, in the dark. 

He Tian laughs while Guan Shan swears under his breath. He blindly feels for a chair and drags He Tian to sit down. 

“Wait here till I come back. I need to get something.” 

He Tian laughs again, this time soft and breathy, “You’re getting me too excited redhead.” 

Guan Shan doesn’t respond. All He Tian hears is Guan Shan stumbling into a million things and swearing. 

He doesn’t stop smiling. 

* * *

When the light goes off and everything turns pitch black, He Tian is sure he must have hallucinated it. He takes off his sunglasses and blinks rapidly as his eyes adjust to the darkness. 

“What the fuck happened to the lights?” 

“Take a guess moron,” the voice answers. And it’s so familiar that it hurts. It’s been years and He Tian can still pick that voice out from millions. 

Lightning flashes and he catches a glimpse at the other. His hair still bright red, his eyes cold and hard. He could recognize that look anywhere. It’s the same last look he saw on the redhead’s face. Guarded. 

Suddenly he sees a flash of bright light. He winces as Guan Shan directs his phone’s flashlight at the other. He points the flashlight towards the door. 

As they both walk towards the door He Tian has a million words ready to spill out from the tip of his tongue. Starting from ‘why are you working here’ to ‘i’m sorry for whatever I did’. 

Guan Shan flashes the light at the door and pulls it. But it doesn’t budge. 

He groans. 

“What?” He Tian asks, startled. 

“It’s fucking locked until the electricity comes back on.” 

“What the fuck?” 

“It’s an electric lock.”

“And the store owner didn’t buy a fail-safe lock?”

“I don’t know, he’s a convenience store owner, he’s cheap.” 

Guan Shan sets the phone down to the floor so that the light illuminates more of the room. He Tian could see him staring at the door as if it was the cause of all of humanity’s problems. 

He punches it and slumps down. He leans back against the wall and glances at He Tian, “Well are you going to sit down or what?” 

He Tian sits and stares at the other, waiting for something. 

“Do you have your phone?” 

He Tian nods, his mind scanning through a million scenarios in which this question might lead to. 

Sadly, none of it comes true since when He Tian nods, Guan Shan continues by saying. “Good, my phone’s running out of battery, turn your flashlight on.” 

He Tian obeys and places it right next to Guan Shan’s phone and for a moment the room is too bright. He Tian’s eyes get fixated on Guan Shan’s hands as he turns the flashlight on and puts his phone away. Guan Shan catches him staring and raises his eyebrows. 

“Hey-” He Tian starts. 

“The light will come back on soon and then you can leave.” 

He Tian gets the message but a man like him didn’t get this far in life without persistence.

“I’m bored.” 

Guan Shan glares, “What the fuck?” 

“Let’s play a game.” 

Guan Shan scowls, “Go play with yourself.” 

Despite himself, He Tian feels a giggle bubble up his throat. 

“Oh shut up.” 

“Oh I know,” He Tian says suddenly, “Let’s play ‘I spy’. 

Around them is darkness and the tiny flashlight from the phone only gives them enough light for He Tian to see if Guan Shan had smacked his head against the door and knocked himself out, which he desperately looks like he wants to do now. 

“I will kill you.” 

And that line is so familiar that He Tian feels a pang in his chest, “Well, it’s been a while since I heard that.” 

Guan Shan scoffs, “Nice to know that you remember something.” 

He Tian raises his eyebrows, “And why would you think that I would forget?”

“Nobody remembers high school,” which is a lie because Guan Shan remembers high school, remembers a lot of it as if it happened yesterday. But to him, his high school years were the highlight of his life, as depressing as that may be. Someone like He Tian, whose world famous, probably has high school as a distant memory.

“I remember you,” He Tian says back so softly that it’s practically a whisper. 

Guan Shan scoffs again, “Surprise, surprise,” he mumbled sarcastically. 

Suddenly He Tian feels angry. Why was he the bad guy? Why is he always the bad guy? Guan Shan’s cold eyes push the words out before he could think through them, “I moved out for the last year of high school Guan Shan, I didn’t betray you.” 

He Tian could see Guan Shan’s hands clenched into a fist, as if he’s ready to punch something or someone, most likely He Tian. And he almost wants him to. Maybe that would make things normal between them again. 

Instead Guan Shan takes in a deep breath, “You have always been so insufferable. You just don’t get shit.” 

If anything that makes He Tian angrier. He spent years trying to understand what happened when they last met. What he screwed up on. Why Guan Shan had become so cold. He didn’t need the redhead to point out that ‘he didn’t get shit’ because as years went by and Guan Shan kept ignoring his calls and basically slipped off his radar that’s all that He Tian’s been thinking, that ‘he didn’t get shit’. 

He sneers and though he should have chosen his next words wisely, they slip out harsh and rashly, “I don’t want to hear that from someone who's emotionally constipated. ” 

And no that’s not what he wanted to say. What he wants is to ask Guan Shan out to eat or to the movies or anything else, not make him angrier. But of course, He Tian acts like a dick even if he doesn’t want to, at this point, it’s a reflex. 

Guan Shan doesn’t even blink at that comment, it was as if he expected it. As if he expected no better from He Tian, “Well you don’t even have emotions, I don’t know how you even write your love songs. Like a demon like you would ever fall in love.” 

He Tian swallows the words and lets it burn as it goes down. His stomach knots in reaction and his mouth dries at the taste of it. He should have told his manager to buy his energy drinks, like he usually does. Instead, he decided to take a walk in the pouring rain and stumble into this mess, whatever this was. He looks up at the ceiling and drowns in the silence that surrounds them. 

* * *

“Close your eyes,” He Tian hears Guan Shan say. For a second He Tian thinks of disobeying, after all, it’s so dark that having it closed or open wouldn’t matter. If it was anyone else he would have scoffed and let out a sarcastic remark, but because it’s Guan Shan he listens. 

When he opens his eyes, he sees Guan Shan’s face being illuminated by a single candlelight. In his hand there is cake. It was simple, a circle cake the size of his hand with white frosting and a messy scrawl in black icing saying ‘Happy Birthday Loser’. It’s so simple that He Tian is sure that Guan Shan made it. He feels his heart throb. 

Who knew Guan Shan’s blush would look so beautiful by the fire of a candle? He Tian purses his lips to stop himself from doing something stupid like kissing the other. 

“Happy Birthday idiot,” Guan Shan says softly, almost shyly. 

He Tian grins, “Thanks.” 

The tone is so genuine that it throws Guan Shan off. He sniffs in embarrassment, “Whatever it’s nothing. Blow the candle so we can eat the cake idiot. Make sure you make a wish.” 

He Tian’s smile grows wider, “Hmmmm, what should I wish for? Piles of money? Girls? Fame? Guan Shan as my slave?” 

Guan Shan rolls his eyes, “You’re so fucking obnoxious. Hurry up, my hands hurt.” 

He closes his eyes and makes a wish. The wish is so embarrassing that years later his ears would still turn red at the thought of it. But he would still want it to come true. 

He blows the candle and it’s pitch black dark again. 

“Are you going to turn on the lights now?” 

“Shut up.”

* * *

They stay in silence for so long that Guan Shan almost wishes they were arguing again. He prays multiple times in his head to every God of every religion he knows for the stupid lights to turn on. But his luck stubbornly remains horrible. 

Tiredly, Guan Shan glances at his phone and sees the time and date blare. It’s midnight. And his phone is at 1%. He sighs and looks back at the man whose staring absentmindedly at the ceiling. His heart swells with something that he doesn’t want to identify but whatever that is he pushes it away. Making up his mind he takes in a deep breath to steady his heart that is beating way too fast. 

“Hey He Tian,” Guan Shan says softly, “happy birthday.” 

The lights turn back on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uni has been a pain in the ass


	3. Look Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rumour has it that the band Silver Gun is going to make a comeback very soon! A music video is said to be filming this weekend. Insider information told me that this album is centred around the idea of love and heartbreak, and how one can not exist without each other. The colours red and black are the new yin and yang. Very metaphorical of you He Tian. Looking forward to yet more hits that will rock the world!
> 
> xoxo, your favourite Silver Gun fansite, Gold Bullet

Guan Shan, for the thousandth time that day, looked up ‘part-time jobs’ on Google. He is itching for some money. It’s not that he’s completely broke but he needs to buy a new pair of shoes. His current one is falling apart to the point where it’s become a safety hazard. He’s scrolling through the job’s list to find a job that he could squeeze in but most required more hours than he can give. He needed a one time gig. For a second, a brief second, Guan Shan thinks of prostitution but he’s not sure if a new pair of shoes is worth the trouble that would bring. 

To his luck (which he gets on extremely rare occasions), he gets an email from his modelling agent and the subject on the email is ‘NEW GIG’. Guan Shan almost drops his phone with how fast he reacted and clicks on that notification. But the damn wifi was too slow so he ended up staring at a white screen for five minutes before the text showed up. 

That's when he really drops his phone. 

Guan Shan stares at his phone as if he’s been possessed. His mind hopes that he’s having a nightmare, but he remembers waking up this morning and that really his life is a nightmare. So it’s not surprising that this would happen to him now. 

He carefully picks up his phone and stares at the screen, which is now cracked. The headline on the message, in big bold words, read, “ **SILVER GUN SEEKING FOR REDHEADED MODELS FOR MUSIC VIDEO** ”. 

The convenience store disaster with he-who-must-not-be-named happened just a week ago. He was really hoping that, that was the last time he would have to deal with all these feelings. Suppressing them for hours while he was stuck in the convenience store caused him to go home after his shift and scream into his pillow for hours. Then proceed to call his manager and tell him that he can only work day shifts from now on. Too many memories, too much of something that’s he’s not ready to feel. He wasn’t ready then, he isn't ready now.

It’s ridiculous how his feelings didn’t change after what’s happened and it’s been years. Ridiculous that he could recognize him by his voice, even just by his mouth. That the sight of him, that the recognition of him, could bring on so many emotions. 

Ridiculous that he’s the one who wanted to sever the connection but ended up missing the other so much that sometimes it physically hurt. 

Ridiculous that all he wanted to do was pull him back when he left after the lights turned on. 

Ridiculous that he still wanted to push him against the wall and -

Guan Shan dug his fingernails into his palm to cut off that thought. That is somewhere he didn’t want his mind to go. The place that is only allowed to go into during the darkness of the night or in the laziness of the morning, when he really needed to relieve some tension and relax. When he really couldn’t be bothered to get up and take a cold shower. 

Guan Shan tiredly runs his thumb across the screen and reads through the message. It’s a brief description of the music video, and its theme. Something about the collision of the colours black and red. There’s information on the confidentiality of the music, members, and theme and about the amount of paperwork he has to do for it. The outfits are all figured out and all he has to do is come on set and wear them. It’s the biggest gig up to date. 

“All you have to do,” his agent writes, “is listen to the director and do what he says. It’s your first music video gig but it’s not that hard. They are desperate for naturally redheaded models so don’t worry about getting fired midway through, no matter how much you screw up.” 

All in all, his agent was really trying to push Guan Shan to do this gig. The payment amount typed in big bold numbers indicated as such. After all his agent did know why he’s in the industry. The money is enough to buy four new pairs of shoes, of high brands. It’s money, and it’s a good amount of money. 

Guan Shan purses his lips. He emails the agent back. 

**I’ll do it. **

Three words that Guan Shan regrets. The stylist stares at him up and down and frowns. 

“Not good.” 

Guan Shan rolls his eyes. These damn fashion people. 

“We need something special on you to make you pop....” 

She trails off and stares at his chest. Guan Shan resists the urge to cover his chest with his arms. 

“How're your abs?”

Guan Shan scrunches his eyebrows, “My abs?” 

“They exist right.”

Guan Shan slowly nods without thinking. It’s not like he has time to work out, but his job at the construction site gives him a workout that a gym wouldn’t. It’s not that defined and it’s not like Guan Shan stares at the mirror looking at it, he tries to avoid looking at his torso in the mirror as much as possible. The sight of it makes him gag, it always has since that day. 

“Okay, shirtless it is.” 

Guan Shan feels a lump form in his throat. The words of protest dying in his mouth as the stylist motions for him to take his shirt off. 

At his look of hesitation, the stylist says, “Hurry up, We don’t have all day.” 

Guan Shan sighs and takes his shirt off. Accepting his fate. 

He wishes he didn’t see the look of surprise on the stylist’s face. 

“What the fuck?” 

Guan Shan wishes he would have said anything, and made up a stupid lie. A story of how he got mauled by lions or had a feisty ex-girlfriend. Something. Instead, he stays quiet, which makes it worse. 

The stylist looks back up at him, and something about her stare softens, “Foundation will cover some of that up nicely. And we’ll wear a leather jacket. Nothing is sexier than leaving some to the imagination.”

Guan Shan doesn't respond. Instead, he turns and stares at the mirror as the stylist goes to get the makeup artist. The bright light of the dressing room makes all the scars scattered over his upper body so much clearer. Guan Shan closes his eyes with his scarred body burned into his eyelids. 

* * *

“Look up,” a voice taunts in his ears, “you fucking piece of shit.” 

Guan Shan drags his eyes that’s set unto the floor and stares at the cold eyes scrutinizing him. His back is pressed roughly to the wall and a cold hand is closing in on his throat, making it hard to breathe. 

“She… Li….” he chokes out, “...please.” 

The boy almost nearing the redhead to his death, She Li, smirks, “You look pitiful, I love that expression on your face.” 

Guan Shan reaches out to push the other’s hands away from his neck to no avail, and he feels tears brim in eyes as chokes for air. She Li’s grip gets tighter and his grin more wicked. 

“Should have thought twice before speaking back to me.” 

With one hand She Li takes out his switchblade that was tucked into his jeans pocket. As if it was nothing, he splits open Guan Shan’s uniform, revealing his torso. 

“Oh what a great canvas I have got here.” 

* * *

“He Tian were you even paying attention? Look up from your damn laptop we have a music video to shoot!” 

He Tian glances up at his manager who is giving him the ugliest death stare, “I’m almost done.” 

“Everyone’s already on set, you can finish up later. Plus with those eye bags from staying up all night, you’re going to have to spend an extra hour in makeup to try to look presentable.” 

He Tian doesn’t respond. 

So the manager does the only thing he could think of, he grabs the laptop away from He Tian. 

“Do you have a fucking death wish,” He Tian hisses as he reaches out for his laptop. But his manager leans back and manages to steal a glance of the screen before He Tian snipes it back. 

“What the fuck, are you writing birthday songs?” 

He Tian glares at the other and snaps his laptop shut, “Let’s just get this whole music video shit over with.” 

And like the manager said, it truly does take him way too long to do his makeup with the makeup artists grumbling about it under their breaths. One of He Tian’s favourite stylists, Hana, even pops in and gives him a disapproving look, “You look like shit.” 

“Well thank you very much, your input is very much appreciated and needed, ” He Tian mumbles sarcastically as a makeup artist adds another layer of concealer under his eyes. 

“Would it kill you to get some sleep, especially before a music video shoot,” the stylist scolds as she nears him, with his outfit swung over her back. 

“Hana, last time I checked you weren’t my mother.” 

Hana huffs as she sets hangs the outfit on a rack near them, “You’re right, there was no way I could give birth to someone like you.” 

“Because I’m too handsome.” 

“Because you’re a pain in the ass.” 

He Tian snorts and mumbled something about sticks in asses but the stylist turns a deaf ear to his grumbles and continues, “Well at least you look better than one of our models, the boy comes in here looking like someone took a knife and carved all over his torso.” 

His makeup artist hisses, “Ouch. Don’t want to hear the story behind that one.” 

“And by the look on his face, I didn’t ask either.” 

He Tian raises his eyebrows, “Have I met him before?” 

“No, he’s new. First naturally red-headed male model we’ve got, apparently. Or maybe he just has a hairstylist who is just really good at doing roots.” 

He Tian’s heart lodged in his throat. Naturally redheaded? 

* * *

He Tian looks up from the ground to see the brightest colour of red hair hiding in the corner of an alley. And if the hair colour wasn’t enough to catch his attention, the scene where the owner of the red hair was in was enough to make He Tian make a double-take. The redhead was pressed onto a wall with a boy, taller and with the looks of it way stronger than him, holding him there. Because the boy’s large body covered the redhead it was hard to tell what exactly was going on, but the distressed sounds coming from the smaller one of the two weren’t a good indication. 

He Tian’s brother’s voice echoes in his head, “Keep your head down, you do not want trouble. Do not make yourself stand out more than you already do.” 

He hears a scream and curses out loud. 

Who the fuck even has red hair that bright? 

He Tian grabs an abandoned brick on the side of the road and runs towards them. 

* * *

“Hey, you, look up the camera on the count of three,” the director orders at Guan Shan whose currently leaning against the wall. Guan Shan does as he is instructed, even manages to add a little smirk with the glance, though his whole upper body was freezing because of the exposure and itching because of the generous amount of foundation applied to it. The whole music video process is giving him a massive headache, not only did he eventually have to see He Tian, but this gig required more than just standing around and looking pretty. It required  _ acting _ . Something that his agent did not tell him, but the director excitedly summarized to him before the shoot. 

Love interest for the lead female singer. The bad boy. The one who broke her heart but she keeps coming back to. 

Guan Shan is really minutes away from barfing. 

“Okay good, good,” the director calls, “We’ve got enough cuts for the beginning scene with the models, hey!” he calls to someone at the back, “Is the band ready?!” 

Guan Shan feels the itch around his torso worsen and his stomach churned at the thought of seeing He Tian again. He even feels the bile rise up in his throat. But he can keep it together, he’s a professional. 

But all the professionalism flew out the window, the moment the band stepped in. And of course, He Tian was at the forefront, leading the pack, very alpha of him, very on-brand. 

Guan Shan feels himself swaying on his feet at the sight of him. At the way he looked. His hair was swept up and his eyeliner was practically smothered underneath his eyes, making his cat eyes pop more. While the models were all wearing black leather, the band was mostly wearing red. He Tian’s red leather jacket clung unto him as if it was made purely for him, and the mesh top underneath it revealed enough but left enough for people wanting more. His black skinny jeans fit perfectly around his thighs and the combat boots made him taller than he already was, towering over others with absolute power. 

Guan Shan is so glad he was leaning against the wall because he was sure he would have fallen to the ground at the sight otherwise. 

It feels like high school again. All these emotions run through him and he has no idea what to do with them except silently suppress them.

It was harder with the He Tian from high school, because that He Tian wouldn’t stop looking at him. Wouldn’t stop giving him the delusion but maybe something was there between them. This He Tian barely spared him a glance, instead, his eyes were fully on one of the female models sitting on the chair fanning herself. Who barely looked up from her phone until the band entered. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He Tian asks her. 

The female model runs her fingers through her hair as she gets up, “What took you so long, baby?” She croons, reaching towards him. 

Guan Shan’s blood runs cold. 

He Tian dodges her though and gives her a glare, “What did I tell you about personal space?” 

“That I should be all up in yours?” 

He Tian snorts, “Stop being such a slu-” 

“He Tian!” the managers interrupts, “Li Xiu Ying has kindly spared time out of her busy schedule to shoot the music video for us, it is best if you be kind to her.” 

Right, Li Xiu Ying, the supermodel. The wet dream of every man, single or taken. Rose to her fame because of her naturally bright red hair that framed her petite pale face. That and her well-proportioned body that made heads turn no matter where she was. No wonder she looked familiar to Guan Shan. 

He Tian rolls his eyes, “We don’t need her in our music video. We generate enough attention on our own.” 

“You’re right sweetheart,” Xiu Ying says, her voice dripping with honey, “But me being here definitely won’t hurt, unless your ego refuses it.” 

Guan Shan’s got to hand it to her, whoever she is to him, she’s got He Tian all figured out. 

He Tian snorts, “Whatever, let’s just get this music video shoot over with.” 

The director takes that as his cue to start explaining the music video. Each band member has a model who is their lover, and there are a series of scenes displaying heartbreak and love. When explaining who is each band member’s partner, the lead singer’s eyes practically lights up when she sees Guan Shan and she waves excitedly. Guan Shan can only nod back numbly. He Tian barely spares him a glance. 

When it came down to it though, the scenes were very simple. The scenes were shot without the actual song for the music video being played in the background, probably because they didn’t want to risk the models spoiling it. Guan Shan was glad because that stopped him from trying to control the wincing that usually came with hearing Silver Gun’s songs. 

He had no dialogue and most of the scenes involved Guan Shan glaring at the girl, or just watching her with what the director wanted to be ‘cold but gentle eyes’. Guan Shan had no idea what that meant but he must be doing something right because they finished most of the scenes in a single cut. The girl, Xiao Hui, was friendly, making small talk here and there between cuts. Friendly but not overbearing. Guan Shan was just glad that the most touching that they had to do was holding hands, he wasn’t sure if he could have handled more. 

He Tian, on the other hand, had a different storyline for his part of the music video. More than half the scenes involved Xiu Ying being practically draped over him. Though they never actually kissed with their lips, they did practically everything else that could be allowed for public screening. 

Watching it made something boil in the pit of Guan Shan’s stomach, but he couldn’t look away. It was intriguing how He Tian could keep such a straight face when he had practically one of the world’s most beautiful women all over him. 

When one of the scenes got particularly steamy, involving Xiu Ying crawling over He Tian while they lay in bed, Guan Shan hears somebody wolf whistle near him. 

He turns around to find Zhang Wei, Silver Gun’s guitarist, staring at the scene with amusement, “What a lucky bastard.” 

Guan Shan raises his eyebrows at the comment, Wei smirks. 

“Dude, you're telling me that you wouldn’t want to be in his place?” 

_ Yes actually,  _ Guan Shan thinks, _ I wouldn't want to be in his place, I would rather be in hers.  _

_ Okay, where the fuck did that come from.  _

Guan Shan shakes his head at the thought but Wei takes that as an invitation to continue the conversation. 

“Well I mean his songs are practically about her so it makes sense that she would be in a music video about herself with the guy that wrote the song about her.” 

Guan Shan digs his fingers into his palms. 

“Damn,” Wei retorts, “Shouldn’t have told you that. Well, you signed the NDA so don’t let that slip anywhere. Not like people aren’t assuming it anyway though.” 

Wei pats his shoulder as he walks away, leaving Guan Shan’s brain and heart a mess. 

Guan Shan’s mind practically shuts down for the rest of the shoot because the next thing he knows the director is screaming that the story line portion of the music video is wrapped up. Someone thanks the models for coming and somebody else tells the band to prepare for the individual and band shoots. He hears a lot of hustling as people scurry around to fix the band members’ outfits and makeup, and even more noises as staff members bring the instruments unto the set.

Guan Shan willed his feet to move, and when it finally did the director stops him. 

“You there, wait!”

Guan Shan turns around to find the director running towards him, “We need you for a few extra scenes.” 

“Hey” a manager interrupts, “He can’t be here while the song is playing.” 

“Oh, just make him sign a stronger NDA.” 

The manager grumbles but compiles and the next thing Guan Shan knows he’s waiting in the dressing room to be called in. 

“Hey,” a voice calls him from outside, Guan Shan recognizes it as the stylist from before, “they’re calling you.” 

Guan Shan steps outside and follows the stylist back to the set. 

The whole time she looks at him particularly strangely, as if she was waiting for something. 

“Is there something on my face?” Guan Shan snaps, annoyed and emotionally drained. 

The stylist doesn’t flinch at his tone, instead, she just eyes him warily, “How do you know He Tian?” 

Not, _ do _ you know him, but  _ how _ . 

Guan Shan flinches, “I don’t know him.” 

“Right.” 

The stylist doesn’t ask any more questions and there so many things going on in Guan Shan’s head that he stores that whole situation somewhere in the back of his head to think about later. 

Guan Shan finds the band setting up their instruments. He Tian was in the middle, tuning his guitar while the director talked to him. The director sees him watching and motions him to come forward. 

Towards him and He Tian. 

_ This is the perfect time for the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs to return.  _

Somehow Guan Shan’s feet start working and he’s closer to He Tian than he ever wanted to be again. He Tian doesn't even glance up, just continues to tune his guitar. 

“So I was just explaining to He Tian,” the director starts, “you will personify the black side of love, the heartbreak, the pain, while He Tian will represent the passion of love. You two will be in the middle while the band is playing and He Tian would be starting at you. All you have to do is glare at him like you disagree with the lyrics going on in the background..” 

It was a nice idea. Guan Shan was dressed in all black, while He Tian was in mostly red and the contrasts of He Tian’s black hair, and Guan Shan’s red one, makes it such a visually appealing and artistic scene. 

But with the history between the two…

Guan Shan glances at He Tian and notices no visible reaction. Like he didn’t care like Guan Shan was just a model he never met before. Well, Guan Shan is good at pretending too. He spent his whole life pretending. 

“Sounds like a good idea,” Guan Shan comments and the director grins. 

Guan Shan places himself in the middle, facing He Tian. The band busies themselves to get ready for when the director calls action. He Tian is still fiddling with the guitar. 

“He Tian stop tuning your guitar,” his manager yells from the side, “it’s not like you’re actually playing it.” 

He Tian’s ears turn red and Guan Shan snorts. 

He Tian looks up at the sound and glares, “Find something funny redhead?” 

But before he could comment the director slaps the slate and yells action. 

And the music plays. 

He Tian pretends to strum the guitar, all in the while staring at Guan Shan, as if he’s trying to decipher him from a single look. Guan Shan stares back, not willing to lose. 

The music probably starts somewhere in the middle, because it sounded like an instrumental break at the end of a verse. Guan Shan almost thinks he got it under control until the actual lyrics come in when the pre-chorus plays. 

_ I tell myself it’s all worth it _

Xiao Hui’s voice starts to sing. Though it is her singing, He Tian lip-syncs it, staring straight at Guan Shan. 

_ All the darkness it will bring. _

He Tian takes a step forward and Guan Shan resists the urge to take a step back. 

_ Cause in the end it’s all red  _

He Tian’s eyes flicker to Guan Shan’s red hair, and Guan Shan vaguely reminisces how obsessed the other was about it. How He Tian would run his fingers through Guan Shan’s hair when he thought the other was asleep. 

_ Even though it feels like a sin _

As he mouths this line, He Tian closes his eyes and Guan Shan resists the urge to follow suit. Instead, he stares at the way He Tian looks so blissful with eyes closed and mouth parted. 

_ So don’t tell me it’s not worth it  _

He Tian snaps his eyes open and leans so close to Guan Shan as he mouths the line. So close that with a slight incline forward their lips would meet. 

And Guan Shan was so tempted, so tempted to do so. It was like he was in a trance. 

That breaks when the director calls cut. 

Without a second to spare Guan Shan says something about the washroom and runs away. 

* * *

_ “Hey…. can you…. Look …..up…..”  _

_ Guan Shan looks up to find a boy with raven black hair staring back at him with a look of worry. He is startled at the sight because the last thing he remembered was She Li trying to carve his own name unto Guan Shan’s torso before the redhead blacked out in pain.  _

_ “Hey, that asshole is knocked out we should go before he wakes up. Plus your bleeding fucking badly, if we don’t take you to the hospital you might die of blood loss.”  _

_ Though it pained him, Guan Shan turns his head, and finds She Li knocked out on the floor, his head bleeding and a bloodied brick near him.  _

_ “Did you…. That?” Guan Shan tries to ask.  _

_ The boy grabs Guan Shan to hoist him up, the redhead flinches because of the contact but doesn’t move away.  _

_ “Name is He Tian by the way.”  _

_ “Guan Shan,” the redhead manages to utter back, “... thanks…”  _

_ “No problem,” He Tian retorts moving them forward, “By the way how did you get your head that red?”  _

_ “Uhhh... born...it.”  _

_ “Interesting.”  _

_ If Guan Shan wasn’t so tired and in pain, he would have punched his saviour in the face.  _

* * *

“Hey redhead what the fuck is wrong with you. Look up. Come on.” 

Guan Shan was crouched in the corner of the bathroom, trying to calm himself down, trying to stop from every breath he takes from hurting. But of course, according to his luck, the last person he wants to see is here with him. 

Guan Shan squints up at him, “Sorry, do I know you?” 

“Oh don’t be such an ass, are you okay? You’re kind of hyperventilating.” 

Guan Shan couldn’t believe him. Being with He Tian was like being in a house on fire and then drenched in freezing cold water the next. 

“Yes,” Guan Shan snaps back, “I’m fine. Go back to filming.” 

He Tian shrugs as he crouches down to Guan Shan’s level so they are eye to eye. 

“Everyone’s taking a 5, and you kind of freaked everyone out with the way you flipped out and ran away.” 

Guan Shan grinds his teeth and resists the urge to punch the other. It’s not worth the amount of money he would be sued over with it. 

“I didn’t know you were a model.” 

“I’m not.” Guan Shan bites back, “I just do whatever earns me money.” 

Guan Shan could practically see the question ‘why’ at the tip of other’s lips, but the redhead willed the other not to ask it because otherwise, he would punch He Tian in the face and then get sued massive amounts of money for it. And it would be worth it 

He Tian doesn’t ask, so they sit in silence. Guan Shan trying to catch his breath and He Tian having his taken away by the sight of the redhead. 

“Did you like the song?” He Tian asks, giving in to the temptation.

Guan Shan bites his lips, “Yeah,” he retorts the word tasting weird in his mouth, “it’s nice.” 

It was nice. It was a good song, a nice melody, the voice portrayed the emotions perfectly and more than anything it seemed personal. Listening to the song, even just the pre-chorus, felt like someone was whispering to you their darkest secrets. 

Guan Shan suddenly recalls the conversation he had earlier with Wei. 

“Your songs are all about her?” Guan Shan asks before he could think, the words, that curiosity was burning him from the inside, and he just had to  _ know _ , “That supermodel? Bright red hair is her trademark right. Aren’t you being too obvious?” 

He Tian stands up straight as if he was burned by those words. His eyes flashed with anger but it went blank as soon as it came. He looks down at Guan Shan with no life in his eyes. 

“Don’t be stupid.” He Tian retaliates, his voice trying hard to devoid of any emotion, “My songs are all about you. Have always been all about you.” 

And with that He Tian leaves, leaving Guan Shan on the floor with emotions that have been suppressed for years overflowing.

Before he knows it his eyes turn misty and he chokes down sobs.

Because at the end of the day, no matter how much Guan Shan tries to deny it to himself, that’s why he couldn’t listen to any of Silver Gun’s songs. 

It was a painful reminder of what could have been. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a beast to write, i think its the longest one i have ever written, hope it was worth the wait!!


	4. Clear Your Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silver Gun as a group is not foreign to rumours. From rumours that Zheng Xi and Xiao Hui are dating, to Wei having a secret wife and child, the rumours that Silver Gun deals with is really a publicist's worst nightmare. But,the biggest and strongest rumour out there revolves around He Tian, the center of the band, and one of the world’s most beautiful supermodels, Xiu Ying. The rumours have especially flared up the past few days as it was spoiled that she was actually part of their new music video! Are the songs that He Tian writes actually about Xiu Ying?  
Well my dear readers, I hope not, because I’m secretly a Zheng Xi x He Tian shipper XD  
(But in all seriousness Xiu Ying + He Tian would make cute babies) 
> 
> xoxo, your favourite Silver Gun fansite, Gold Bullet

“For fuck's sake Zheng Xi, clear your fucking head, I can hear you thinking,” He Tian says way too loudly for someone who just minutes ago proclaimed that he was too tired to do anything. 

“You can just fucking leave,” Zheng Xi replies, not looking up from the script he was trying to read for an interview they are going to do later today, which He Tian should be reading as well. But He Tian is too preoccupied with staring at the ceiling, his mind numb from thinking too much, and his body practically melting into the sofa.

“This is my sofa, you leave,” He Tian retorts with a pout. 

“That is the company's sofa.” Zheng Xi comments back, still not looking up. 

“I claimed it when I first came here, remember?” He Tian mumbles, and it must be something in the way he said it, maybe the way it sounded like he was reminiscing because it causes Zheng Xi to look up. Because He Tian doesn’t reminisce. 

“Okay, what’s up with you?” Zheng Xi asks, tossing his script aside and dragging the desk chair closer to the sofa, “You have been so fucking off lately.” 

“That’s what I am asking _ you, _ bozo, why are you so off?” 

Zheng Xi purses his lips as He Tian dodges the question, leave it to Silver Gun’s bassist to take the attention off himself when it really matters. 

The thing with He Tian and Zheng Xi is that though He Tian constantly bitches both externally and internally about Zheng Xi, he gets along with him the most out of everyone in the band. They just understand each other, always at similar wavelengths. It used to drive the rest of the band and the staff nuts at how He Tian can just look at Zheng Xi and the other would just _understand_. And that magic translated so well on stage, that it was like they were one person. That was their biggest charm when they first got scouted. Their current manager had looked at their band perform and singled them out and said, “Now you two, you two are something different.” 

And He Tian doesn’t deny it, he wouldn’t be half the musician or performer he is today if it wasn’t for Zheng Xi. Not that he would ever say it out loud. 

“Fine, how about this?” He Tian continues, turning around to his side and putting his hand on his cheek, “You tell me what’s fucking with your head, and I’ll tell you what’s fucking with mine.” 

“What are we, girls at a sleepover?” 

“You’re the one who wanted to talk about _ feelings _.” 

“No, I just asked you why you are so fucked up these days.” 

“Well, I guess you will never know why.” 

Zheng Xi glares at He Tian, too well accustomed to He Tian’s games to know where this would eventually lead. Might as well save time and let He Tian get what he wants, which he always eventually will. 

Zheng Xi looks over to check if the door is closed and leans in. 

“Okay so remember that party after our recent concert. The one where you were bitching the whole time while being there.” 

He Tian rolls his eyes, yes he does remember because as much as he loves parties that one was a particular hell because Xiu Ying wouldn’t stop clinging unto him and showing him off to her friends like he was some type of prized pony. Thank god Xiao Hui decided to vomit up her entire meal onto the floor, and him being the only band member near her gave him an excuse to leave. 

“Yes, I remember you and Wei abandoning me, and I had to drag Xiao Hui’s drunk ass home by myself.” 

“Yes, well I was preoccupied.” 

“With who?” He Tian asks back, catching on. 

“Do you know Jian Yi from J5?” 

He Tian knows him vaguely, though he doesn’t keep up with idols (basically tries to avoid them like the plague) J5 is everywhere that even someone who lives under a rock would have heard about them. He Tian hates to admit it, but in terms of popularity, they are at Silver Gun’s level, if not more famous, because for some reason idol groups just gain more attention. And Jian Yi is the forefront of all that, the group’s center and every girl’s fantasy boyfriend. He Tian’s not going to lie, Jian Yi’s light blonde hair and delicate facial features even caught his attention. There’s a reason why they call him the visual god. 

“So, you fucked the entertainment industry’s it boy and you’re freaking out about it? Seems stupid.” 

Zheng Xi closes his eyes as if he is in pain, “Can you at least pretend to be sympathetic? If this gets out our group will be ruined.” 

He Tian stares at Zheng Xi in silence for a while, too long that Zheng Xi opens his eyes again.

“You’re in love with him,” He Tian responds to the look in Zheng Xi’s eyes, “Well now you being on the phone texting all day makes sense. I knew you can’t be talking to your mom for that long.” 

“He Tian-” Zheng Xi starts, his tone begging He Tian to just get to the point, they never did well with beating around the bush with each other. 

And He Tian really doesn’t like to either and he when gets to the point, he _gets _to the _point_, “You want to continue this serious relationship with him, it will fuck up our band in the long run, and not just in the way that you think. How long are you going to pretend that Xiao Hui isn't in love with you?” 

Zheng Xi winces but does not interrupt. 

“And you know that it would fuck us up and you’re still with him, then you already made your choice. Stop wallowing in self-pity.” 

Zheng Xi clenches his fist at those words, “This band fucking means everything to me too.” 

“I know,” He Tian says back, and without meaning to, his voice softens, “which is why you should continue dating him. You must really love that twink.” 

Zheng Xi glares at the nickname but his lips twitch. 

“Xiao Hui will get over it,” He Tian continues, “the world will get over it and maybe I will write some bombass songs about your gay as fuck relationship in the future.” 

Zheng Xi snorts, “Like you aren’t doing that already.” 

He Tian glares at him which only gets Zheng Xi to raise his eyebrows in response, “Why was I supposed to pretend that I didn’t know?” 

“Well, technically you don’t.” 

Without missing a beat Zheng Xi responds, “It’s that red-headed model from our music video shoot right? I swear I saw him in one of your high school photos.” 

Great, now He Tian has to hide all his personal belongings in their shared apartment if Zheng Xi is just going to snoop around like that. It’s not even surprising that Zheng Xi connected the dots that quickly. Even without the help of that high school class picture (that He Tian is now going to burn) Zheng Xi would have eventually figured it out with the way He Tian was acting and running after the redhead on the day of the music video shoot. Even Hana gave him some looks and he knows that eventually when their schedules die down Hana is going to attack him with all sorts of questions. 

“So is the reappearance of your highschool sweetheart the thing that’s causing you to stare off into blank space every three seconds?” 

“God, when did you become so fucking chatty?” 

“Jian Yi says talking is good for the soul.” 

“Fuck forget what I said before, break up with that asshole.” 

Zheng Xi chuckles, but turns serious again when he sees He Tian start to stare off into space, “Talk to him He Tian, using words will do you wonders.” 

He Tian flops unto his back again and groans, “But I do use words. Every fucking song I write is about him.” 

He stares off at the ceiling, his mind going numb again with all the thoughts running through it. He hears Zheng Xi sigh and get up. There’s the sound of papers shuffling and then He Tian has a paper being flung at him. 

“Doesn’t matter if he isn't really listening,” he says when He Tian looks up at him in surprise, “It’s his contact information from his agency, his phone number and address is all on there. It took a lot of convincing to get this from the manager so you're welcome. Do something and stop acting emo. It's driving me nuts and I might kill you in your sleep."

Then he walks out like he didn’t just hand He Tian a metaphorical ticking time bomb. 

* * *

“Your head’s not clear. Don’t come into the ring with that mess.” His brother He Cheng coldly retorts as he takes his boxing glove off, to He Tian who is lying on the floor trying hard not to groan in pain at the punch his brother just delivered to his stomach. 

Does it make sense for He Cheng, a fully grown adult to verse teenager He Tian in a boxing match? It does if his brother can only use his less dominant hand and is obsessed with He Tian’s ability to keep himself safe. Their boxing matches have become weekly now, and as tensions rise between his brother’s and a rival gang, He Tian’s brother has become tougher and tougher. To the point in which He Tian thinks if he doesn’t increase his fighting skills he might die in one of these ‘lessons’. 

“My head’s clear. You’re just being an asshole,” He Tian retorts from the ground, attempting to get back up. 

His brother extends a hand but He Tian stubbornly ignores it. As He Tian wobbly gets up on his own, He Cheng could only sigh. 

“It’s Mo Guan Shan, isn't it?” 

He Tian winces, and this time it’s not from the pain. 

“What do you know?” 

He Cheng tilts his head at his brother, scrutinizing him, “I saw him enter a hospital. His mother is sick again.” 

He Tian grinds his teeth, “You were following him again!?” 

His brother rolls his eyes, “Don’t stare at me like that. I do it for your safety.” 

“By following my friends!?” 

“Well, more like one friend. And it's better safe than sorry. You’ll thank me later when he rats you out for being my brother to one of the gangs that hate my guts and I stop your guts from spilling unto the floor of some abandoned warehouse.” 

He Tian takes his boxing gloves off and tosses it to the side, “He would never do that.” 

He Cheng goes over and picks up the discarded gloves and throws it to its rightful place, “Just because you love him doesn’t mean he won’t betray you.” 

Oh, how He Tian wished he had the energy to sucker punch his brother. Instead, he pathetically air kicks at his brother’s torso to only miss it by a couple of centimetres. His brother barely flinches. 

“What, was that supposed to be a secret?” 

“You’re an asshole,” He Tian bites back. 

It’s not like it was a secret, He Tian was too obvious for that. He Cheng has spent only some time with the both of them, when they would need a ride or when they decide to chill at He Tian’s place, and even that minimal amount of interaction with the two of them is enough to make He Cheng want to barf. He had no idea how their classmates dealt with both of them on a daily basis. 

But even He Cheng has to admit that it is enduring how He Tian wears his heart on his sleeve, how his affection for the redhead is out for the world to see. Guan Shan could just slightly smile and He Tian would melt. A single call from Guan Shan and He Tian would drop everything he’s doing to go find him. 

Also, the staring, He Tian’s eyes almost always follow Guan Shan when they are together. Sometimes he would stare at the redhead like he wants to eat him up, which freaks the fuck out of He Tian’s brother. When He Cheng sees He Tian stare at his ‘friend’ like that he pretends to get a call and jets out of the room. Though He Cheng is sure his brother is a wimp and hasn’t made any moves, seeing his little brother look at someone like that gives him the creeps. 

It’s a wonder that they aren’t together yet when it’s so obvious that the feelings are returned. 

He Cheng sees, in the rare occasion in which He Tian isn't looking at Guan Shan, that Guan Shan is looking at He Tian with such softness and vulnerability, that the elder’s heart aches. 

How can two people be so obvious about their feelings but be oblivious about each other's feelings? 

Well, it’s not his job to play cupid, let those two figure it out themselves. 

His brother shrugs at He Tian’s venomous expression, “That’s the session for today. Go do whatever you do.” 

As much as He Tian really wanted another round in the boxing ring with his brother, just so his pent up frustration against the older could go somewhere, his body protests. He Tian really needed a nap so he limps over to the door. But just as he opens it, a sudden realization hits him, and he turns around to find his brother sitting cross-legged in the boxing ring, scrolling through his phone.

“Did you pay for it?” 

“Pay for what?” His brother asks back nonchalantly, not looking up from his phone. 

“For the hospital bills?” 

His brother doesn’t look up, but starts dialling someone, “No, an anonymous donor did.” 

He Tian opens his mouth to retort, but whoever his brother dialled had picked up, and his brother starts to have one of those very hushed and low conversations over the phone. Catching He Tian staring, He Cheng waves his brother off. 

He Tian shakes his head and leaves. Making sure that his brother doesn’t see that glimmer of a smile appear on his face. 

* * *

Mo Guan Shan for the tenth time that day trips and faceplants. The box with ramen packets he was carrying tumbled unto the floor with him, it’s contents scattering all around him. 

For the fifth time that day, his manager sighs. 

“If you can’t clear your mind and work like you are supposed to, I think you should leave.” 

Like he was burnt with iron Guan Shan stands up, “No, I’m fine.” 

His manager looks at him warily, “Oh really, is that why you had practically tripped over thin air multiple times since I had come to this cashier to check the cash,” he checks his wristwatch, “15 minutes ago.” 

Guan Shan scrambles to pick up all the packets at ample speed, “I’m fine.” 

His manager silently watches him as he stacks the ramen packets unto the shelf, when he’s done Guan Shan turns back around, the manager sighs again. 

“Guan Shan, you have put the ramen packets unto the shelf meant for the chips.” 

Guan Shan rubs his face tiredly and swears under his breath, “Sorry I’ll-” 

“No,” the manager interrupts and gestures towards him, “just come here.”

He gets an energy drink from the fridge behind him and slides it to Guan Shan, which Guan Shan catches before it falls over the counter.

“On the house,” the manager responds to the look on Guan Shan’s face. 

Guan Shan chugs it down way too fast, and the manager raises his eyebrows at it. Guan Shan embarrassingly wipes his mouth with his sleeve and mumbles thanks. 

The manager sighs, yet again, “You didn’t sleep last night.” 

It wasn’t a question. Anyone who looked at Guan Shan wouldn’t phrase it like a question. Even looking at himself this morning before going to work, Guan Shan had winced. He looked like a crackhead that was going through withdrawal syndromes. His eyes were as red as his hair, he’s too tired to keep up with his hair so it looked like a bird’s nest, and his face was so pale it practically blended against the white wall of his apartment. 

Guan Shan shrugs in response and throws the empty bottle to the trash can. 

“You go to school yet kid?”

Guan Shan narrows his eyes at the manager. In every one of his jobs, he takes it as his duty to not get close to his coworkers or boss. What is the point? Socializing just takes time that he can’t afford. 

The manager at the convenience store is no exception. Guan Shan didn’t even bother learning his name. 

It was probably mentioned when he was first hired but if the man doesn’t wear a name tag, is it really his fault? 

So Guan Shan looks at the man, at the potbelly and slow show of wrinkles that come with middle age, and thinks, why do you even care? 

But he doesn’t want to get fired so he reluctantly answers, “No.” 

The manager scrunches his eyebrows, “You should, education is very important nowadays, without a degree-” 

“Don’t have time, too busy trying to pay bills,” Guan Shan retorts, interrupting the manager. 

He turns around and starts to shift the ramen packets to its rightful place. 

His manager sighs again, “Look, kid, why don’t you take an early leave from your shift today? Get some rest.” 

Guan Shan purses his lips and shakes his head. 

“I won’t deduct anything from your salary.” 

Guan Shan pauses, and his shoulders sag. To Mo Guan Shan kindness always comes with a price. But right now he practically is faint at his feet. He hastily bows and thanks his employer and jets out of there, craving the warmth of his stiff mattress. 

* * *

Mo Guan Shan stares at the letters on the paper, trying to clear his mind, hoping that if he stared at it long enough the words would rearrange itself and ask for something else entirely. 

_ ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’ _

Guan Shan wanted to rip the paper apart. He didn’t even know what he’s going to do tomorrow much less 5 years from now. His fingers involuntarily ball up into a fist, and the pencil he holds in his hand, with the slightest snap is ready to break. 

His eyes move from his paper to the raven-haired boy sitting across from him. It's their third and final year of high school, and Guan Shan had been ecstatic and dismayed that He Tian is finally in class. 

Ecstatic because it’s He Tian, dismayed because it’s He Tian. 

The year has barely started and Guan Shan is already distracted by He Tian’s mere presence in the classroom. The other could just be sitting there, head on the table because he barely pays attention in class, and Guan Shan’s eyes would automatically be drawn towards him. 

If he stares too long, He Tian notices. And when he does, the asshole turns around and throws him the slyest smile and Guan Shan would stare back at his desk, his heart beating fast and his ears red. 

Every time He Tian mentions it during lunch, and every time Guan Shan tells He Tian he has a huge imagination. 

This time He Tian was actually doing work. He was easily scribbling answers on the paper. After all, it was a questionnaire about himself, and He Tian was the most confident person Guan Shan knew, he was so sure of everything, even the future. 

Guan Shan’s eyes follow the hunch of the other’s back, how his shoulders were broad, and how that was incredibly noticeable when he hunches over the small school desks. The muscles on his arms bulged as he moved across the page, for a high schooler, He Tian’s muscles were no joke and Guan Shan was constantly tempted to ask what his workout routine was. But then if he did that's a clear indication that he noticed He Tian’s muscles, and he did not want the other to know that. He Tian's legs were so long that it reached the end of the chair of the person in front of him, and he’s always tapping his feet during class like he’s hearing music that no one else could hear. 

Guan Shan’s eyes move back to He Tian’s face, his side profile which shows that nose that’s too straight and the jawline that was as sharp as He Tian’s stare. Staring at He Tian, Guan Shan could understand why girls would follow him around, understand _and_ empathize with them. Guan Shan hates that in reality, he is one of the fangirls that drools after He Tian. 

Guan Shan is with He Tian more than those girls, but sometimes he envies them. Envies that they could easily give He Tian presents, lunches and confession letters. That they could easily say those words to He Tian, 

_“I like you._” 

He must have been staring way too long because He Tian in the middle of writing something turns around to Guan Shan and smirks. 

“Like what you see,” he mouths. 

This time Guan Shan doesn’t look away, he stares back, and he’s tempted to mouth back, 

_ “Yeah.” _

But he doesn’t. Instead, he mouths, 

“I don’t know what to fucking write.” 

He Tian’s eyebrows scrunch up in confusion, “Pass it to me.” 

Guan Shan rolls his eyes and glances at the teacher, who's too busy marking papers to notice the exchange. He quickly passed the paper to He Tian. 

He Tian looks at the blank answers and frowns. Then on one of the top questions, he hastily writes something. He passes the paper back. 

Guan Shan raises his eyebrows and looks at his paper. 

Underneath the first question, _‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’_, in He Tian’s messy scribble are the words, 

_ **As He Tian’s wife ** _

Guan Shan feels himself growing red as he scrunches up the paper and flings it at He Tian. 

He Tian, of course, dodges it and laughs silently. 

“You're such a pain in the ass,” Guan Shan hisses. 

“Love you too,” He Tian whispers back and turns back to his paper as if he hadn’t just dropped a bomb on Guan Shan. 

Guan Shan’s heart beats wildly and so loudly that it’s all that he can hear. He feels the happiness and excitement that came from hearing those words from He Tian bubble up inside him, but he quickly squashes. 

He stares at He Tian who is scribbling frantically on the paper. 

Those words weren't meant to mean anything. It's obvious to him that it doesn't mean what he wants it to. He feels the familiarity of pain blossom in his chest at that thought and he feels it grow. 

“Mo Guan Shan,” his teacher calls out of him, “Why aren’t you filling in your career’s paper?” 

Before Guan Shan could even think of a response, He Tian answers for him, “He made a mistake in pen on it so he threw it out in the trash.” 

“Then you should have just asked me for a new one, instead of just staring in space,” his teacher grumbles as he gets up to give Guan Shan a new sheet. 

He Tian throws him a smile and Guan Shan looks away at his desk. 

Of course, He Tian saves him from hell, again. 

Ironic, given the fact that it’s He Tian who pushes Guan Shan in what the redhead feels to be hell more than anyone and anything else. 

* * *

He Tian blinks at the door, trying to clear his head that is fuzzy with a million thoughts and doubts running through it. He’s sure that this was Guan Shan’s address because he double-checked a billion times. Even managed to ask the bald guy who was sitting at the front if a man with unusually red hair lived here, in which the response was, “Why does he owe you money?” 

So he’s sure that Guan Shan lives here. 

But he couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door. 

Before he could wimp out and just jet out of there, he hears someone shuffling towards him. He whips around and finds Mo Guan Shan standing a few feet in front of him. 

For a few seconds, they both stare at each other blankly. A million things He Tian has wanted to say since their last encounter run through his mind, but instead of saying any of the conversation starters that he had practiced that morning in the mirror, what came out of his mouth was, 

“Redhead, you look like shit.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, hope everyone is staying safe! 
> 
> make sure to leave kudos and comments, and if you want to yell at me about this chapter, by all means, interact with me on twitter @starlightstars_
> 
> thank you for reading!!


	5. Take A Deep Breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are three more days till the release of Silver Gun’s new album: Black and Red. To celebrate, let's reminisce about the humble beginnings of the band, shall we? Silver Gun started as a band He Tian put together in university in an attempt to fulfill his dreams of becoming a bass player. They were sustainable enough, getting themselves some bookings at malls or clubs but they hit the jackpot when Zheng Xi managed to snag a slot at the ‘Rock and Roll’ event at the Cheshire Club. Cheshire Club, which their current manager, Lee Minghao, frequently visits. Lee saw them perform and instantly signed them a contract. Their first single (which obviously He Tian wrote) was one about lost love. “Find you” was a track about missing a possible future one could have had with a loved one. This sad but relatable track skyrocketed them to stardom, and in stardom, they remain. 
> 
> xoxo, your favourite Silver Gun fansite, Gold Bullet

Guan Shan takes in a deep breath, for a few seconds he thinks that the lack of sleep is causing him to hallucinate. There is no way He Tian could be at the door of his apartment. Either his tiredness is getting to his brain and causing him to imagine things, or he’s so tired that he’s sleepwalking right now and this is a dream. Or a nightmare. 

Honestly Mo Guan Shan would say the latter. 

But despite how many times he blinks, or how hard he pinches himself, He Tian doesn’t disappear. 

To his horror the hallucination speaks, “Redhead, you look like shit.” 

Guan Shan’s heart sinks as it becomes apparent that there’s no way he’s imagining the man in front of him. Even his imagination wouldn't create this type of response from He Tian, only the real deal would say something this horrible as a greeting. 

Guan Shan rubs his eyes tiredly, his body swaying slightly in fatigue, “What are you doing here He Tian?”

He Tian’s frowns, “Are you okay?” 

Guan Shan huffs in annoyance and forces himself to take steps towards the door though his legs feel like lead, “Go away.”

He Tian grabs his shoulder, “You look like you’re going to pass out.” 

Guan Shan shakes him away, but that takes too much energy from him. He feels lightheaded from that quick movement and his legs quickly give out. He waits for the crash. 

Instead, He Tian catches him. 

Before he blacks out, the last thing he hears is He Tian calling his name in panic. 

* * *

_ Breath Guan Shan. It’s going to be fine. _

He stares at the white walls of the hospital, panic swirling through his body. He’s clutching the armrest of the uncomfortable hospital chairs so hard that the redhead is sure that there would be imprints on his palm from it. Nurses and doctors pass by him, but none of them stop by him. He desperately wants to stop one and scream for an update, but he knows that doing so would get him kicked out. Again. 

He closes his eyes and tries to even his breaths. He tries hard not to think of anything, because if he starts imagining what could happen in the next hour he would go insane. 

But the anxiety doesn’t leave his body. Guan Shan tenses as mind veers to the worst possible scenario and his breath becomes more uneven. Just as he’s about to lose control and scream at the first medical professional he sees when he opens his eyes, he hears footsteps running towards him. 

Guan Shan’s eyes snap open and he turns towards the direction of the footsteps. 

He sees He Tian staring at him, eyes wide and out of breath. 

“Mo Guan Shan,” He Tian whispers. 

Guan Shan blinks up at him in surprise, “Why are you here?” he chokes out. 

He Tian steps towards him, his eyebrows crinkled in confusion, “Why wouldn't I be here?” 

Guan Shan had texted him earlier in a hurry when He Tian attempted to make plans with him for the afternoon. All he had texted was ‘I’m busy’. 

So the better question would be ‘How are you here?’. But the answer to that question is obvious. 

“Your brother still stalking me?” Guan Shan mumbles. 

He Tian winces, “Sort of.” 

He Tian takes a seat beside the other and Guan Shan hates how quickly the storm inside of him had calmed the moment He Tian appeared by his side. 

“She’s going to be alright,” He Tian says to him softly. 

Guan Shan takes in a deep breath, “How do you know that? Are you a seer?” he bites, not knowing how else to react to He Tian comforting him. 

He Tian chuckles, “How did you know that I'm one?” he asks teasingly. When Guan Shan doesn't respond, He Tian slowly reaches over and gently places his hand over Guan Shan’s clenched one. 

Guan Shan’s heart freezes and he had to physically stop himself from pulling away. He Tian comforting him, acting soft, was all foreign to him. It’s strange, but that doesn't mean he doesn’t need it. So he keeps his hand in place. 

“I’m here,” He Tian whispers and Guan Shan clenches his eyes shut with his words. 

A feeling of calmness washes over the redhead. He’s always used to facing things by himself. Having somebody by his side is nice. At the start, he didn’t want to get used to having He Tian to lean on, because if something happens and He Tian disappears, who would pick him up when he falls when he’s so used to having someone catch him? 

“She’s going to be alright,” the other repeats gently.

Guan Shan sighs. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be optimistic, but being optimistic has never done him good. He could never let himself be hopeful. When he gets his hopes up and when life eventually shatters his illusion of happiness, it hurts even more. 

But He Tian is beside him, holding his hand, so he nods. 

“Thanks,” Guan Shan mumbles. 

He Tian raises his eyebrows, “For what?”

For being here, is what Guan Shan wants to say. But Guan Shan rather cut his tongue out than admit that something as simple as He Tian’s presence means a lot to him. 

Guan Shan swallows, “The money. Anonymous donor? Like I wouldn’t catch on to that.” 

He Tian shrugs, “Would you have accepted the money if I had given it straight to you?”

Guan Shan stares at He Tian, at the genuine concern in his face, and then back down at the cold hand holding his. 

Maybe...maybe he would have. 

Maybe he would willingly let He Tian catch him every time he falls. 

Before he could respond a nurse walks up to them and Guan Shan immediately stands up. He Tian stands up with him, not letting go of his hand. 

The nurse smiles at him politely, “The operation was successful. Your mom is stable right now.” 

Guan Shan feels his heart soar. He Tian squeezes his hand and beams at him, “Told you,” he whispers. 

“Can I see her?” Guan Shan asks, unable to keep the giddiness from his voice. 

The nurse’s smile turns soft, “She’s resting right now. You can go in. But don’t be too loud.” 

Guan Shan nods and starts to stride over to his mom’s room. He feels He Tian let go of his hand. 

Guan Shan stops in his tracks and turns around to the other in confusion. 

“Go, have some alone time with her,” He Tian urges, a rare gentle smile on his face. 

Guan Shan scoffs, “Stop acting all polite. You’re here right? Might as well come in.” 

When He Tian doesn’t move forward, Guan Shan shakes his head. 

He reaches over and laces his fingers with He Tian’s. 

“Stop acting stupid,” the redhead mumbles, a slight blush creeping upon his cheeks. 

He pulls He Tian with him to go see his mom. 

* * *

The only thing that brings comfort to He Tian is the sight of Guan Shan breathing, his chest moving up and down slowly because otherwise, the redhead looked like death. His skin was deathly pale and felt cool as ice at touch. When He Tian caught Guan Shan before the other hit the ground, he was surprised by how light he was. Then when he was rummaging around Guan Shan’s pockets for keys, he could feel how skinny the other was. 

After finding the key and managing to enter the room while carrying Guan Shan, he is shocked to see how bare the room is. The room is occupied by a very unstable looking chair, a makeshift oven, a small fridge with a basket of what He Tian can see to be cans on top, a rack stuffed with clothes and a small cabinet with one drawer. In the corner, there is a pathetic looking mattress that looks like it feels like stone. 

He gently places Guan Shan on the mattress, takes a look around the room and resists the urge to scream. 

_ Mo Guan Shan lives like this!? _

He pulls the thin blanket by the mattress over Guan Shan’s body. He Tian sits down next to the other on the ground and leans against the wall. He reaches over and gently runs his fingers through the other’s red hair. 

The last time he saw someone that pale and deathly was- 

He Tian shakes his head at the memory. 

His brother. 

* * *

He Tian is finding it very difficult to breathe. 

His brother had texted him ten minutes earlier, warning him to stay in his room. He Tian could hear noises of shuffling and grunts from the other room, and the longer and the louder the noises became the more scared He Tian became. 

Their apartment had the tightest security. If someone managed to bypass all of that and managed to infiltrate his brother’s room, there was no telling what those people could do. 

The noises die down too soon and He Tian shakingly texts his brother. 

You good? 

He waits for a minute for a reply that doesn’t come before his panic grows. 

His brother had told him exactly what to do if a situation similar to this arises. To stay put and wait for someone from his brother’s gang to come. It would do no good for He Tian to move out of his room and expose himself. If there were people who wanted his brother killed outside he would be gunned down on the spot and He Tian has no idea how to dodge a bullet. 

He curses his past self that half-assed the fighting lessons his brother gave him. 

He Tian’s scared of death, but he’s more scared of what could happen to his brother. So though every fibre in his body is telling him not to, he steps outside his room. 

He exits his room quietly, and everything feels deathly still. With his heart in his throat, he tiptoes quickly to his brother’s room. He gently pushes the door open and his heart freezes at the sight in front of him. 

Still bodies were scattered across the room, but the one body that stops his heart is his brother’s, lying in the middle of all of it. He Tian staggers towards him holding back choked sobs. 

“Brother,” he chokes out. 

When he reaches his brother he notices the slight movement of his chest and he falls to his knees in relief. But his eyes catch the growing red stain on his brother’s torso and his pale sweaty skin. 

In a rush he presses on the wound, his hands staining the colour red. 

“Brother!” he exclaims, his heart thudding in panic. 

His brother opens his eyes a crack, and sighs, “He Tian, why are you being so loud?” 

His brother’s voice sounded extremely tired, but he is very much alive. 

“What do I do?” He Tian asks in panic, pressing harder on the wound. 

“Call the number 1 speed dial on my phone and say ‘He Cheng is down’.” 

He Tian gulps at the words but does as he’s told with one hand still pressed on his brother’s wound. The whole time his hand shakes. 

While He Tian hangs up the phone after hearing an affirmative ‘okay’ on the other end, his brother reaches towards him and wipes his face. It is then that He Tian notices that he’s crying. 

“Stop crying,” his brother whispers, “You look stupid.” 

He Tian blinks back his tears, “I’m not crying,” he says sniffling. 

His brother smiles at him weakly, his eyes closing shut slowly, “I’m not going to leave you that easily. Don’t worry.” 

Right as his brother's eyes close the door to the room bangs open. He Tian whips around in a panic, but relaxes slightly when he sees familiar faces. 

“He Tian we’ve got him,” a large man tells him. 

He Tian shakes his head looking down at his brother, his hand still pressed to the wound. 

“We need to take him to the hospital. You need to let him go,” the large man says again, this time softly. 

He Tian reluctantly moves away, his hands dripping with blood. 

The men carry his brother off and He Tian staggers up to follow them. But the large man stops him. 

“You need to stay here,” 

He Tian shakes his head firmly and like a child in the middle of throwing a tantrum says, “I’m going with him.” 

The large man sighs, “Someone tried to kill your brother tonight. As his only blood relative, you are also in danger. It is better for you to stay here in familiar territory.” 

He Tian glares at the man, his eyes teary, “This ‘familiar territory’ is where my brother got attacked.” 

The man purses his lips, “Which ensures that a second attack won’t happen here. They would be foolish to send someone back here when the men they sent didn’t come back,” he looks around at all the dead bodies around them, “Go to your room He Tian, there will be guards outside. Get some sleep.” 

He Tian’s stare turns icier. That man is ridiculous if he thinks that he’s going to get some sleep after this. He’s seconds away from breaking down on the floor and begging the man let him go with his brother. But he knows that would do no good and would only embarrass his brother’s reputation. As he is He Cheng’s brother, he needs to be brave. 

So He Tian nods while he hastily wipes his face from tears with the back of hand, and walks to his room. 

He slams the door shut and falls to the ground. 

He stares at his hands that are still covered with his brother’s blood. He hears men shuffling outside his room, standing guard. 

He crawls over to his bed and stuffs his face unto one of his pillows. 

He sobs until his throat burns. 

He hopes that the men outside can’t hear because he’s He Cheng’s brother. He Cheng who is the scariest, smartest and bravest mafia leader there is. 

He Cheng, who is the only family that He Tian has. 

As he runs out of tears, he turns away from the pillow and reaches for his phone. He mindlessly stares at his lockscreen with blurry eyes; at the picture of him and Guan Shan. The redhead is glaring at the screen and He Tian smirks next to him, pulling his face close to the other in the selfie. With his bloody thumb, he opens the phone and calls Guan Shan without thinking

Guan Shan picks up with the second ring. 

“What the fuck He Tian?” Guan Shan greets, “You have any idea what time it is?” 

He Tian closes his eyes, relishing in the other’s voice as it spreads a feeling of calmness over him. 

“He Tian?” the other asks confused at the silence over the phone. 

He Tian takes in a shaky breath, he suddenly feels incredibly foolish for calling Guan Shan at such an hour. 

“He Tian,” Guan Shan says again, his voice softer, “What happened?” 

It’s the genuine concern in the other’s voice that brings him to speak, “Redhead,” He Tian croaks out, his voice hoarse due to the tears. 

“He Tian, what happened?” Guan Shan asks again, this time with slight panic. 

He Tian clutches his blanket. What was he thinking? Why would he call Guan Shan and pull him into such a dangerous situation?

“He Tian? He Tian!?” The redhead exclaims through the phone, his panicking growing due to the lack of response. 

He Tian closes his eyes, hangs up, and throws his phone away. 

He turns back to his pillows and starts crying into it again. 

* * *

An hour after Guan Shan faints he still doesn't wake up, and panic slowly sets unto He Tian. He clenches his hands and reminds himself to breathe. He reminds himself that this isn't the same situation as his brother’s. His brother was half dead with a gaping hole in his stomach. Guan Shan just fainted due to tiredness. But then why is Guan Shan’s skin as pale as his brother’s?

_ Should I have gone to the hospital? _

Just as he is about to call the ambulance, Guan Shan opens his eyes. He Tian’s heart leaps and he moves forward so that he’s within the other’s eyesight. Leaning forward he asks, “Mo Guan Shan, you good?” 

He Tian winces at the way he words that question. 

Guan Shan eyes him warily. The redhead sighs, “Why are you showing up in my dreams again?” he asks quietly. 

He Tian freezes. 

_ He dreams about me? _

Guan Shan slowly moves his hand and reaches forward, towards He Tian. 

He Tian blinks in surprise but moves even closer so that Guan Shan’s fingers gently graze his cheeks. 

“You always have to look good every time huh?” the other whispers in sleepiness. 

He Tian feels himself flush, and he vaguely feels ashamed for taking advantage of the situation as he takes Guan Shan’s hand in his and presses it to his cheek and holds it there. 

“You think I look good,” He Tian whispers, smirking slightly. 

Guan Shan sighs, his eyes blinking slowly in tiredness, “I have always thought you looked good.” 

He Tian’s heart beats wildly at the statement, “Always huh?” he mumbles. He resists the urge to turn slightly and press his lips against the other’s palm. 

Guan Shan’s thumb slowly brushes against his cheekbones, “You have dark eye bags. You aren’t getting enough sleep. You should sleep more.” 

He Tian snorts. _He’s one to talk._

Guan Shan’s stomach rumbles and He Tian’s attention gets shifted to that. 

He lets go of Guan Shan’s hand, but Guan Shan’s palm remains on his face, “I should get you something to eat,” He Tian says.

Guan Shan smiles softly at that, “You can’t cook He Tian.” 

He Tian removes the hand from his face gently and gets up, “I’ll get you something from the store,” he reaches over to the chair where he left the keys on, “I’ll be back.”

As he moves to the door, he hears a soft, “Stay.” 

He Tian turns around and finds Guan Shan back asleep.

He takes a deep breath, surely he must have imagined that. This whole scenario seems like something his lonely mind made up. 

As He Tian leaves the apartment after locking the door, his mind runs a mile per minute. 

_ He dreams about me. _

* * *

Guan Shan didn’t care that it was the middle of the night he was pounding the door down if he had to. He vigorously slams his fist against the door after abandoning the doorbell that seems to not work, his breath shallow and panicked with his mind replaying He Tian’s hoarse voice on constant repeat. 

He tried calling back but it kept on going to voicemail so Guan Shan decides that the only thing he can do is to sneak out of his house and go to He Tian’s. 

A part of him isn't even sure if the other is home, but he wouldn’t get a wink of sleep if he doesn’t try looking for He Tian. 

_ Who just calls someone in the middle of the night, says one word and then hangs up? _

Finally, the door swings open and a gun is pointed at the middle of Guan Shan’s forehead. 

Guan Shan blinks at the gun in between his eyes in confusion. 

Then slowly the gun is lowered and Guan Shan stares blankly at the large man in front of him. 

“I recognize you. He Tian’s friend?” 

Guan Shan gulps and nods, his mind just understanding that he was at death's doorstep a few seconds ago. 

The large man sighs, “You shouldn’t be here.”

Guan Shan’s hands ball into fists and he has no idea where this bravery comes from when the man in front of him has a gun. 

The man motions him to come inside and Guan Shan follows him. 

“I should not let you come in,” the man says, “But I think Master He Tian needs you.” 

Guan Shan heart thuds in his chest as the man points him to He Tian’s room. 

A part of him thinks to knock but his patience is running thin, so he scurries around the bodyguards standing outside of He Tian’s room and barges in. He shuts the door behind him and stares at the scene in front of him.

He Tian lay curled up in his bed, clutching unto his sheets tightly. His eyes were scrunched up tight but his body seems too tense to actually be asleep. As He Tian hears someone enter his room, he mumbles a rough, “Go away”. 

Guan Shan huffs, “No.” 

At the recognition of the voice, He Tian sits up straight, his snapping wide open as the blanket falls off him. 

That’s when Guan Shan notices how red He Tian’s eyes are, and how the red matches the colour of his hands. 

On instinct, Guan Shan rushes over to the bed and sits in front of He Tian, grabbing unto his hands in panic. 

“Is that your blood?! He Tian you-” 

“It’s my brother’s,” He Tian interrupts softly, eyes downcast, “Why are you here?” 

Guan Shan looks over to the drawer beside the bed where there was a tissue box. With one hand holding He Tian’s hand, he reaches over with the other to grab tissues. He gently starts wiping the blood off. 

“Because you called me,” Guan Shan answers simply, his attention focused on cleaning He Tian’s hands from the blood. 

He Tian inhales shakily, “You shouldn’t have come, it’s dangerous.” 

Guan Shan looks up at He Tian, meeting his glance with a steady gaze, "Don’t be stupid.” 

He looks back down at the hands and they both quietly stare down as his hands are slowly wiped off of blood. 

“Mo Guan Shan,” He Tian starts as his hands become as clean as they could be, “My brother is in the hospital.” 

Guan Shan gets up and throws the tissues in the garbage, “He will be okay.” 

As Guan Shan returns back to his side, He Tian smiles at him bitterly, “How do you know? Are you a seer?” 

Guan Shan snorts, and gently takes He Tian’s hands in his, “He’s your brother. There’s no way he’s going to die. You guys are practically invincible.” 

He Tian chokes out a watery laugh, his eyes slowly brimming in tears that he tries to blink away, “They won’t even let me see him. They won’t-”

He Tian stops and closes his eyes. He looks like someone had just stabbed him, and that look causes a lump to form in Guan Shan’s throat. 

Guan Shan gently lets go of He Tian’s hand to instead wrap his arms around the other, pulling him into a tight embrace. 

He pretends he doesn’t feel the teardrops staining his collar. 

* * *

Guan Shan wakes up hungry. Which in all consideration of things isn't completely surprising, he’s hungry most of the time anyway. But this time when he wakes up he feels strange like he’s missing something. He takes in a deep breath. 

He stares up at his ceiling trying to recollect his memories from the day. 

_ My manager let me leave. _

_ I came home. _

_ I knocked out in my bed and - _

_ No, that doesn’t seem right. _

_ My manager let me leave. _

_ I came home. _

_ I came home and I saw- _

He hears the door of his apartment being open, interrupting his thoughts. 

“Mo Guan Shan,” a familiar voice calls out to him. 

Guan Shan sits up straight, feeling as though someone had just electrocuted him. 

_ He Tian, I saw He Tian at my doorway. _

“What are you doing here?” Guan Shan asks, his voice shaking as he watches He Tian take off his shoes with the hand that’s not holding a grocery bag. 

He Tian sheepishly holds up the bag, “I bought food.” 

Guan Shan opens his mouth to yell at him to get the fuck out of his place. But his stomach grumbles so he just sneers and motions him to come closer, “It better be good fucking food.” 

He Tian grins and sits beside Guan Shan on the floor. The redhead resists the urge to move away. 

He Tian opens up the bag and carefully hands him a hand sandwich, “I remember that you were in love with these sandwiches in high school.” 

Guan Shan squints at the sandwich that He Tian hands him, not taking it. 

“I didn’t poison it.” 

Guan Shan huffs, “I didn’t think that you poisoned it, I just-” 

Instead of finishing the explanation, he takes the sandwich and slowly peels away the plastic covering it. 

It’s just that Guan Shan didn’t expect He Tian to remember that Guan Shan likes sandwiches. Especially the ones from the convenience store. 

Guan Shan leans back and wolfs down the sandwich. He Tian takes out another one. 

“I bought plenty.” 

Guan Shan silently grabs the next one. 

He Tian blinks in surprise, “I thought you would put up with more of a fight.” 

Guan Shan takes a huge bite of his sandwich, “Free food is free food.” 

He Tian shrugs, “Yeah, but you’ve always fought me, for everything.” 

Guan Shan grinds his teeth, “I didn’t fight you as much once I got to know you.” 

He Tian’s mouth quirks into a smile, he takes out a sandwich and peels off the plastic, “I guess that’s true.” 

They eat in silence which is eventually broken by He Tian. 

“You don’t listen to my songs?” 

Guan Shan startles at the question. He slowly eyes He Tian who's not even looking at him and instead is paying too much attention to the sandwich in his hands. It finally dawns on him. That He Tian’s here. He’s here _ with _ him, _ for _ him. 

It’s been so many years and every time Guan Shan imagines having a proper conversation with He Tian (not the mess of a talk they had at the convenience store) after all this time, he expected it to be awkward. He had thought just being in the same room, really talking about their feelings, about what happened, would make him want to run away. 

But it didn’t feel awkward. If anything it felt _ too much _. There are so many words hanging between them and neither of them has any idea where to start. 

It would be easier if Guan Shan had just kicked him out of his apartment room. He knows He Tian. He knows that He Tian’s pride would keep him from running back. Then he really wouldn’t have to face He Tian ever again. A closure of their relationship without there being any actual closure. 

But after years of not seeing each other and then suddenly meeting him, and then meeting him over and over again. It reminded him of something his mom had told him years ago. 

_ “Sometimes things happen Mo Guan Shan because they are meant to happen. When you know things are meant to happen, embrace it. Let it happen.” _

Guan Shan’s life has led him to a point in which if his mother was here, she would be disappointed. The least he could do is follow her advice. 

If this conversation with He Tian is meant to happen, he’ll just let it happen. 

“No,” Guan Shan answers simply after a long pause, “Every time I tried listening to it, I felt like throwing up.” 

He Tian purses his lips, “Why?” 

Guan Shan crumples up the plastic in his hand, “Your lyrics.” 

He Tian nods as if he understands something that Guan Shan didn’t even explain, “Why didn’t you contact me? After I left?” 

Guan Shans rolls his eyes, “Why didn’t _you_ contact me?” 

He Tian huffs, affronted, “I tried! You blocked my number!” 

“Your brother is a literal gang leader! You could have contacted me somehow!” 

“YOU BLOCKED MY NUMBER!” 

“AND?! SO WHAT?!” 

“HEY STOP SCREAMING!” A voice from outside breaks their argument. 

He Tian clears his throat, “Sorry,” he says to the voice outside. 

Guan Shan starts ripping the plastic into small pieces. 

He Tian eyes him warily, “My brother told me that he could bring me to you. But I told him… I told him that since you're not picking up my calls and that my texts aren’t going through, that you didn’t want to see me. So I didn’t want to see you.” 

Guan Shan gulps, “That’s childish.” 

He Tian rolls his eyes, “You blocked my number!” 

Guan Shan bites the inside of his cheeks, “I was angry that you left. By the time I got over the anger of you leaving, it was too late.” 

He Tian snorts, “We’re both childish.” 

Guan Shan stares at him in silence for a while. He Tian raises his eyebrows at the glance. 

Guan Shan sighs, “At first I thought you were the exact same as you were in high school. But you're not. You’ve… matured…” 

He Tian laughs, “Guan Shan, we’re old,” then his laugh turns into a smirk, “Well I guess you’re still a child if you are still obsessed with ham and cheese sandwiches.” 

Guan Shan flings the plastic pieces he’s ripped apart at the other, “You’re still so fucking annoying.” 

He Tian dodges the flimsy plastic and Guan Shan sighs, “Why are you here?” 

It feels like he’s asked this question a billion times. 

He Tian looks at him as if the answer is obvious, “Because I missed you.” 

Guan Shan’s breath catches in his throat. 

Sometimes it’s really that simple. 

He Tian glance turns downcast, insecure, “Don’t you?” 

Guan Shan has half the mind to deny it even though it’s true. His pride keeps him from accepting it verbally so he just looks away instead of answering. Maybe he is still a child. 

But He Tian takes the silence as the answer and continues the conversation, “I missed your mom too, is she-” 

Guan Shan interrupts him, “She’s dead.” 

He Tian freezes, and it would be funny how quickly he gets paler if it were in another context. 

“Mo-” 

“She was always sick. It was bound to happen.” 

At a time just mentioning it would hurt but now the pain is just numb. 

He Tian leans forward as if he wants to embrace the other, Guan Shan glares at him to stop him from coming closer. 

Just because they’re talking doesn’t mean he’s ready to go back to the way things were. 

He Tian must have read that in his eyes because he sighs, defeated, “I’m sorry I should have been there.” 

Guan Shan huffs, “Doesn’t matter now.” 

Guan Shan looks down at his hands, “Besides it’s my fault. I blocked your number. And I was too prideful to call you when it happened.” 

_ Even though I really needed you there. _

Guan Shan takes in a deep breath, “Mom wouldn’t have wanted me to wallow myself in sadness so I picked myself up and learned to survive on my own.” 

He Tian purses his lips, “You don’t need to do it all alone.” 

Guan Shan frowns, “Who do I have? You? He Tian you left.” 

“I didn’t have a choice.” 

“I know.” 

_ But that didn’t make it hurt any less. _

“I’m here now,” He Tian adds bashfully. 

Guan Shan shrugs, “Not the same,” he mumbles. 

“Why, because I’m not the same guy from high school anymore?” He Tian asks, his tone dripping with hurt. 

Guan Shan wanted to say yes, that He Tian wasn’t the same boy he fell in love with anymore, that Guan Shan wasn’t the same as he was in high school. But those lies refused to come out of his mouth. Here he was, having a proper conversation with He Tian after years and he never felt more like himself than he was with the other. It felt like all these years of not having He Tian around lodged something sharp down his chest and seeing him again had caused it to disappear, and he could finally breathe. 

It felt like coming home after a long journey and laying in bed. The comfort of familiar sheets and the scent of home making your heart settle down when you didn’t even know it was uneasy in the first place. 

Because in the end both of them, despite how different their lives turned out, didn’t change. 

They still fit together like broken pieces. 

Everything still is the same. 

Guan Shan still doesn’t think he deserves this. 

He still doesn’t think he deserves He Tian. 

He doesn’t deserve to have someone catch him when he falls. 

That’s what it boils down to at the end of the day. It’s not He Tian’s fault at all. Guan Shan doesn’t think he deserves happiness. He doesn’t think he can hold on to it that long. So it’s better to not have it at all. 

“I’m tired,” Guan Shan says softly. 

Two words that seem to encompass too many meanings. 

He Tian bits his lips, and to others, his face would look irritated but Guan Shan can tell He Tian is as tired as he feels. 

“I’ll leave,” He Tian says, resigned. 

“No,” Guan Shan says without really thinking. He Tian looks at him in shock, as surprised as Guan Shan is by the outburst. 

Guan Shan’s nails dig into his palms and he forces himself to say what he is thinking since part of it already came out anyway. 

“Just fucking stay He Tian.” 

He Tian’s face relaxes, and his gaze turns soft. 

Something in that look physically pains Guan Shan so he closes his eyes and lies down on his bed. He tugs his blanket over his head and he hears a soft “okay” from the other side. 

His body must have been completely worn out from both the conversation and the emotions involved in it, and from him overworking the past week because he falls into slumber easily. 

* * *

“Master He Tian,” a voice wakes him up from his slumber. 

He Tian groggily opens his eyes to find the large man peering down at him. 

“I have news from the hospital. Your brother is in stable condition.” 

The grogginess seeps away quickly, He Tian breaths out in relief and tries to sit up. It is then that he notices Guan Shan pressed up against him, still deep in sleep. He Tian sighs and runs his fingers through the other’s hair, 

While still looking at Guan Shan he asks the man, “Can I see him?” 

The large man purses his lips, “Soon. You should get more rest,” he eyes Guan Shan, “yesterday was a long day.” 

He Tian resists arguing because there is no way he’s getting more sleep now. But Guan Shan is asleep next to him and he doesn’t want to wake him so he just huffs in annoyance. 

The man leaves so He Tian turns to his side so he and Guan Shan are facing each other, nose to nose. He stares at the redhead’s sleeping form and relishes in how calm the other is in slumber. His face isn't tense and tight as he usually is. He moves his fingers that were on the other’s hair to gently run his thumb across Guan Shan’s jaw. 

“You look so cute while you’re sleeping,” He Tian whispers softly. 

In hindsight, watching the redhead sleep is probably creepy, but it’s not like He Tian can go back to sleep, and he doesn’t want to move because having Guan Shan pressed up against him spreads a type of warmth that He Tian has never felt before. So he doesn’t move. 

* * *

Guan Shan wakes up the second time that day feeling sluggish. It’s dark outside and when he looks at his side for He Tian he isn't surprised to find him gone. But he is surprised to find something in his place. He sees a ticket with a note on the floor next to him. He sits up in bed and gingerly picks it up. 

On the note, in He Tian’s still messy scrawl is the word: 

** _Come_ **

Beneath is a ticket for Silver Gun’s showcase for their new album which is in a couple of days. 

Guan Shan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guan shan and he tian? actually communicating? it's more likely than you think XD  
this chapter was one of the hardest chapters to write for me but i hope it turned out well!  
let me know what you guys think!


	6. Singing In Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silver Gun’s album Black & Red is going to be released today!! Showcase live at 5pm! If you couldn’t afford the tickets to the event, hope that someone is leaking the showcase for free! (that someone might be me, your welcome to all the brokes XD) 
> 
> xoxo, your favourite Silver Gun fansite, Gold Bullet

Mo Guan Shan spends a good fifteen minutes staring at his red hair. No matter how many times he ran his comb through his hair, or swept it to the left to the right and then to the left again, it just didn’t look right. In annoyance, he ruffles it creating a pretty convincing bed head. He stares at his hair in the mirror and groans.

_ Why do I care so much anyway? It’s just a stupid concert. _

He stares down at his plain white t-shirt and ripped jeans. He winces at the fact that these are literally the best clothes he owns that are appropriate for a concert. Guan Shan rubs his face tiredly. 

_ It doesn’t even matter. He Tian wouldn’t even be able to see me, he would be busy performing. _

_ Ugh, why do I care to look good for him anyway? _

He stuffs the showcase ticket in one of his pockets and his phone and keys into another before he marches out his door. His bus to the venue arrives in 10 minutes. As he reaches the bottom of the stairs he bumps into the landlord’s son who is sitting on the last step casually drinking some coffee as he scrolls through his phone. 

“Hey there redhead,” the other says to Guan Shan without even looking up from his phone. 

Guan Shan grinds his teeth and turns towards the other, “Don’t call me redhead, baldie.” 

The baldie looks up at him with raised eyebrows, “If you can call me based on my lack of hair, I can call you based on the redness of yours,” he scans Guan Shan up and down in confusion, “you going out?” 

Guan Shan rolls his eyes, “Yeah, what is it with you?” 

The landlord's son turns to his side and pulls out a piece of clothing wedged in between him and the wall of the stairs. He flings it at Guan Shan who catches it in surprise. 

“It's a bomber jacket, wear it, you’ll look better.” 

Guan Shan inspects the jacket. It is very much Guan Shan’s style. It was a simple black jacket with a metallic zip. It looks so nice that he doesn’t even think about rejecting the offer. He purses his lips, “Why are you giving me this?” 

The other boy rolls his eyes, “Because I can’t let you walk out with that plain look. Just take it as the thanks for the beef stew.” 

Guan Shan doesn’t mention that the only reason he gives the other beef stew is when he’s late on payments for rent. Instead, he puts on the jacket and mumbles a soft thanks.

“That guy that came the other day. He’s the guy from that famous band right? You’re going to see him?” 

Guan Shan takes in a deep breath, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“He's your boyfriend?” 

“No.” 

“Well, he should be.” 

“What do you know? You don’t even know him and you barely know me.” 

The other shrugs, “That’s pretty telling though isn't it? If a complete stranger can tell that you’re meant for each other.” 

Guan Shan bites back a nasty retort, the other’s words burning something up inside him. But he figures bursting at the son of his landlord isn't going to do him any favours. Besides he’s pretty sure he’s going to be late on rent next month too and he needs this guy to be on his side. 

Guan Shan sighs, “It’s not that simple.” 

When the words leave his mouth he realizes how true it is. Every time he thinks about He Tian his mind is a complete mess, their past, the present; everything melds into one and breaks him apart. He doesn’t even understand their relationship himself, where they are at...if it ended...if there is a chance for a new beginning. The night before this concert he had stared at the ceiling for hours, trying to comprehend why he was even planning to go to the concert in the first place. But every time he thought of ditching the whole thing he remembered the messy scrawl of He Tian’s writing and the fact that He Tian remembered his favourite type of sandwiches. And the simple words that He Tian said when asked why he’s still around Guan Shan echoes in his head constantly, 

_ “Because I missed you.” _

Such simple easy words for a very unsimple relationship. 

The landlord’s son gives him a peculiar look and shrugs, “Nah man, life sometimes really is that simple.” 

The phone in Guan Shan’s pocket beeps. He takes it out and winces at the flashing one minute left notification from his transit app. If he misses this bus there isn't another one for an hour. Without even saying goodbye he turns away and runs, hoping that he doesn’t miss the bus. 

“At least learn my name now,” the other boy calls out, “it’s-” 

But Guan Shan is already out the door. 

* * *

All Guan Shan could see was red. In anger, he flings his phone away from him. It lands pathetically across his room and Guan Shan is so mad that he isn't even concerned over his phone which is most definitely cracked now. He clutches unto his shirt to steady himself, but his breaths still come out shallow and uneven. Tears brim his eyes and his eyes burn with both the tears and the simmering anger within him, 

** _I’m moving away. _ **

That's it. Three words and he’s gone. 

* * *

“He Tian, you’re nervous,” Hana says suspiciously as she helps him into his dark red leather jacket. 

He Tian huffs at his stylist as he pulls on the sleeve of his jacket, “Why would I be nervous? I have done this plenty of times before.” 

Hana’s eyes narrow, “My doubt exactly. Why are you nervous?” 

He ignores her and reaches over to the dressing table to retrieve his rings, two silver, one for the index of his right hand and another for the middle of his left. But he fumbles with them and ends up dropping it on the floor. The rings roll away from him and he stares at it pathetically. 

Hana rolls her eyes and retrieves them for him, while putting on the rings on him herself she comments, “You are a mess. Is that redhead coming to see you?” 

He Tian eyes her warily, “If you are talking about Li Xiu Ying-” 

“I’m talking about that boy from the photoshoot,” Hana cuts him off, “the one that you obviously have a history with.” 

He Tian sighs, so much for her waiting for promotions to end to bring this topic up. 

“I invited him,” He Tian answers softly, but when Hana opens her mouth to ask for more he shuts her down, “This is neither the time nor the place for a proper explanation,” he looks around at the many staff members walking around them, all of them busy with just a few minutes till the show starts, “but I will tell you someday.” 

Hana wags her finger at him, “I will hold you to that,” she reaches over and pats his shoulder, “You will kill it on stage today, with or without him watching.” 

He Tian smirks, but the smug look doesn’t reach his eyes, “Don’t I always?” 

When Hana is about to leave he stops her, “Wait I have a favour to ask of you.” 

* * *

He Tian stares at the bright red car rolling past them, and seethes at it, like directing his anger on some car they are driving past would soothe his heart. 

“Will you stop hissing at every car we pass,” his brother comments from the front seat, the driver next to him snorts. 

He Tian stares at the back of his brother’s head, hoping that by doing so it would combust into flames, “I hate you, you didn’t even let me see him.” 

His brother sighs, “Because we didn’t have time. We couldn't risk staying there any longer.” 

He Tian resists the primal urge to kick his brother’s seat. 

“But,” his brother continues, “you could have called him and not just texted him a goodbye.” 

He Tian doesn’t answer, instead, he sinks lower in his seat. He looks down at his phone which he shut down the moment he sent that text, not wanting to see the reply to those three words. Funny, he always thought that only texting Guan Shan the three words of ‘I love you’ would inject that type of fear into him. Instead what he texted was something worse, and final, like a nail to a coffin. He felt like throwing up by just typing those words, how would he have been able to say them? 

“Don’t blame your cowardness on me He Tian,” his brother says harshly. 

He Tian blinks back tears and stares out his window. He sees another red car drive past them and he glares at it.

* * *

The first thing Guan Shan sees when he arrives at the venue is a red banner hanging on the front with He Tian on it. Well, He Tian and his bandmates, but Guan Shan’s eyes only drew to He Tian. For a few seconds, he is mesmerized at how good He Tian looks, almost ethereal and untouchable, and Guan Shan aches because it isn't the first time he felt that way and it was definitely not due to some high-class photography skills before. 

A group of girls walk past him, all of them screeching about He Tian, and Guan Shan is thrown back to his high school years. Girls still raving after He Tian, and Guan Shan still yearning over him, if He Tian seemed unattainable in high school, he is definitely unreachable now. 

Suddenly, this whole thing seems pointless. Why is he even here? 

Like He Tian would even notice him in this crowd. 

_ But the fucking sandwiches. He fucking remembered the type of sandwiches you like. _

Guan Shan tiredly rubs his face, he feels a whirlwind of emotions twirl inside of him, it shouldn’t be this hard, this complicated. It’s just a concert, it’s just some songs, but why does it mean so much? 

Why does He Tian, still after so many years, matter to him so much? 

He takes in a deep breath and closes his eyes. All his life he has told him himself to never depend on anyone, and right when he found himself leaning on He Tian, He Tian had left. He spent a good portion of his past years being angry at He Tian.

The more Guan Shan sees He Tian again, the more childish he feels about being angry at He Tian for something that was way out of He Tian’s control. It’s not his fault that Guan Shan has dependency issues. 

It’s not He Tian’s fault that Guan Shan fell in love with him. 

_ He asked you to see him at the concert. Just give him that at least. _

And if it hurts him too much, he will just do what he always does and run away.

He steps inside the venue and shivers with the blast of cold air. He takes out his ticket and scrutinizes it as he heads towards one of the hall’s doors. 

He feels someone tap his shoulder and his heart lurches. He flinches away, his hand up in a fight stance. 

A woman stares back at him surprised, and Guan Shan lowers his stance, he recognizes her from- 

“Hey there redhead, remember me from the music video shoot,” the woman says softly as if she’s trying not to scare him away. 

Guan Shan narrows his eyes at her, remembering her instantly with that prompt, the stylist, “you wanted me to be shirtless.” 

The woman laughs, “Well yes, the situation called for it. I’m Hana. You must be He Tian’s friend.” 

Guan Shan purses his lips, “Friend isn’t-” 

“Boyfriend?’ 

Guan Shan sighs, it’s the second time that day that this happened and he’s getting tired of people thinking that he and He Tian were in some type of relationship. It’s like a constant reminder of what he doesn’t have. 

“We’re not dating,” Guan Shan retorts strongly. 

Hana looks at him with raised eyebrows, “Okay I believe you. Well, He Tian wanted me to make sure that you have been taken care of.” 

Guan Shan’s eyebrows scrunch up, “He did? He said that?” 

Hana smiles and pats his shoulder, “Sure,” she puts her hand out, “Let me see your ticket.” 

Guan Shan begrudgingly hands her the tickets, and she smiles at it. 

“The best seat in the arena,” she says motioning Guan Shan to follow her, “it’s high up. Basically the VIP section, there’s probably going to be other celebrities there so don’t freak out. Well, there’s also going to be me.” 

_ The VIP section? Why the fuck would He Tian give him a seat in the VIP Section? _

He follows Hana to the upper level where there are a few rows of seats, all empty. 

“Celebrities...never early,” Hana comments, she motions to the seat in the front row and smack in the middle, “the best seat.” 

Guan Shan sits down and stares ahead, and sure enough, it is the best seat. Looking down Guan Shan can see the entire stage and the crowd of people slowly piling in. Even with a standing crowd below Guan Shan was high enough that he could still see well. 

Hana taps his shoulders slightly to bring his attention away from the front, she smiles softly, “Don’t worry, I’ll be the seat next to yours. I’m just going to go finish some stuff backstage and I’ll be back when the show starts.” 

When she leaves Guan Shan slumps into his seat and starts analyzing the venue again. He can not even begin to comprehend why He Tian would clump him in the same location as actual celebrities. The venue has gotten slightly louder than it was before as more people come in, bringing in high pitched squeals and excited mumbles. Despite the excited energy in the air, it still feels calm. Guan Shan takes a deep breath and readies himself for the show. 

* * *

Guan Shan‘s mother slowly leans over and gently tucks a loose strand of red hair behind his ear. Guan Shan smiles at her softly as he pulls the bed covers over her. 

“Guan Shan,” his mother murmurs sleepily, “How is He Tian doing these days?” 

Guan Shan freezes. With his mother’s health relapsing recently he never came around to telling her what happened with He Tian. But with his mother’s worsening health, He Tian not being around was the last thing on his mind, and something he didn’t want to delve into much. 

“He’s fine,” he answers simply. 

His mother frowns and catches him by the sleeve before he turns around, “Don’t lie to me Guan Shan, something happened.” 

Guan Shan grins at her weakly, “Nothing happened mom,” he retorts softly. 

His mother’s frown deepens and her grip on his wrist tightens, “Then why are you so unhappy these days.” 

Guan Shan’s heart drops, and he feels panic rise within him. He steadies himself, “Because you are unwell again.” 

His mother shakes her head, “No. This is different. Don’t hide things from your mother Guan Shan, no matter how unwell I am.” 

Guan Shan sighs and gently removes his wrist from her grip. He grabs a chair and pulls it towards the bed and sits down. 

“He Tian left,” Guan Shan retorts as nonchalantly as possible. 

His mother’s frown softens and her eyes become teary, “Oh honey. You should have told me. Why?” 

Guan Shan shrugs and tucks his hands in his sweater pockets so his mother doesn’t notice them shaking, “Something to do with his brother’s job. He couldn't stay anymore.” 

His mother sighs, “Oh sweetheart. You should still meet up with him if you can, how far away did he move?” 

Guan Shan shrugs, “I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t you still talk to him?” 

Guan Shan looks away from his mother because he knows she is going to throw a disappointed look at him when she hears his words, “I blocked his number.” 

His mother gasps, “Oh Mo Guan Shan. Why?” 

Guan Shan looks back at his mother and shrugs again, trying to look indifferent even though he’s trembling, “Does it matter? He’s gone. So what? I don’t need him.” 

His mother purses her lips and blinks slowly, “Everyone needs someone Guan Shan.” 

Guan Shan takes in a deep breath, “I have you.” 

His mother smiles at him softly, the tears in her eyes threatening to slip, “I won’t be with you forever.” 

Guan Shan grinds his teeth, “If you are going to talk like that I’m just going to leave.” 

“We can’t afford treatments anymore Guan Shan,” his mother continues, “I’m being reasonable.” 

Guan Shan digs his fingernails into his palms, “We can afford it.” 

“Through loans? How are you going to pay them off?” 

“I just will, okay?” 

“I’m not going to leave my son with debt in his hands.” 

“You are not going to leave me!” Guan Shan exclaims, his mother startles. 

“Okay?” Guan Shan adds softly, not sitting well with the fact that he startled his mom, “you won’t leave me till my hair is gray.”

His mother sighs and opens up her arms. Guan Shan complies and climbs unto the bed to lay by her side. His mother wraps an arm around him as Guan Shan buries his head unto his mother’s neck. 

“Sometimes things happen Mo Guan Shan,” his mother whispers softly, “because they are meant to happen. When you know things are meant to happen, embrace it. Let it happen.” 

Guan Shan snorts, a lump in his throat, “That’s bogus.” 

His mother pulls him closer, “That’s life.” 

Guan Shan closes his eyes, “I want you to get better mom.” 

“I want to too, darling,” his mother mumbles softly, tiredness catching up to her again, “I want to see you grow up, follow your dreams, marry the person you love. I want to see all that.” 

Guan Shan clenches his eyes tighter as tears build up inside of him, “You will mom.” 

His mother hums and falls asleep. Guan Shan stays awake for most of the night, listening to his mother’s slow shallow breaths. 

* * *

He Tian’s eyes fixate on the red guitar pick that he plays around in his hands, mindlessly rolling it between both his hands as he waits for the show to start. 

“You are weirdly silent,” Zheng Xi says, snapping him back to reality. 

He Tian sneers at the drummer who was putting on his in-ears, “What’s it to you?” 

“Woah someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today,” Wei chuckles from across the room as he straps on his guitar.

“Shut up,” He Tian throws back at him in annoyance. 

Xiao Hui who was walking by at that moment gives He Tian a confused glance, “Why are you suddenly acting up?” 

“He’s nervous!” Wei yells again, interfering where he is not needed as always. 

He Tian decides to ignore him, figuring that getting into a fight just a couple of minutes till the showcase started would not be the greatest idea. But Zheng Xi comes closer and puts a hand on his shoulder causing He Tian to growl and reconsider throwing a couple of punches. 

Instead of bringing up Guan Shan like He Tian expects him to, Zheng Xi whispers, “I invited Jian Yi to one of our concerts for the first time.” 

He Tian’s eyebrows furrow, “He’s never been to one of our concerts before?” 

The drummer tilts his head, “This is the first time _ I _ have invited him, so it’s different.” 

“How?” 

“Because I personally chose a seat for him and invited him,” Zheng Xi explains, “By the way, incredibly annoyed at you for taking the best two seats in the VIP section.” 

He Tian snorts, “You’ll live.” 

“Why two though?” 

“Hana.” 

“I know she’s your favourite stylist but this is too much special treatment even for you.” 

He Tian looks down and runs his thumb across the guitar pick, “I gave Hana a seat beside him because I wanted to make sure that he would be...comfortable.”

Zheng Xi raises his eyebrow, “So you gave him a chaperone? “ 

He Tian grinds his teeth, “This is all new for him okay? I didn’t want him to feel lost.” 

“Didn’t want him to feel lost or didn’t want him to run away?” 

He Tian digs his nails into his palms, his guitar pick also digging into them, “Shut up Zheng Xi.” 

Zheng Xi purses his lips but doesn’t irritate He Tian further. 

“Please don’t start a fight before the showcase. I spent way too much time on your clothes to have it be ruined,” a voice calls out towards him. He Tian looks towards the side to see Hana walk towards him and he tenses up. 

“Relax,” Hana tells him as he nears the other and Zheng Xi walks away, “He’s here. I left him at his seat and came to check if everything was alright.” 

“Is he…” He Tian starts, trailing off as he is unsure of how to continue or why he started the sentence in the first place. 

Hana understands something from those two words since she replies, “He’s good. He’s excited to see you perform.” 

“Really?” He Tian asks, _that doesn’t sound like something Guan Shan would have said out loud._

“Sure,” Hana says, patting his shoulders, “So don’t worry. Your boyfriend would love it.” 

“I’m not worried about what he thinks,” He Tian mumbles, not even attempting to correct her about using the term ‘boyfriend’. 

“Sure,” Hana says again, pulling on the collar of his leather jacket, “whatever gets you on stage without throwing a fit.”

He Tian rolls his eyes but doesn’t continue the conversation, his mind wandering to how it would be like to see Guan Shan sitting at his concert, in a seat that he picked out, listening to the songs of his new album, that were written because of Guan Shan, for Guan Shan. 

It sends him a type of adrenaline that he has never felt before. 

* * *

He Tian’s brother throws a bright red pillowcase at him and He Tian doesn’t even try to dodge it, letting it hit him square in the face. 

“Will you stop moping around?” 

“What did I tell you about coming into my room without knocking?” He Tian bites back without even looking up at his phone. He had been staring at the typed out ‘what’s up’ that he had sent to Guan Shan that didn’t send through. The red ‘did not deliver’ sign mocking him. 

“He Tian, you're acting like such a loser right now, look up from your phone.” 

He Tian looks up only because he recognizes the weary tone from his brother that usually follows with an hour long lecture and then fights in the boxing room which leaves He Tian sore all over. 

His brother stands by his bed with what looks to be a guitar case in his hand. 

“Got you a present,” he says nonchalantly, gently placing the case by the edge of He Tian’s bed. 

He Tian eyes the case wearily, his heart stuttering in his chest but his mind not wanting to get his hopes up, “Did you get me a guitar?” 

“A bass guitar,” his brother responds, shrugging, “didn’t you want one? You always played around with the one that was on display in the office I figured that you-”

“Yeah,” He Tian interrupts, a lump in his throat from his brother’s gesture, “I really wanted one.” 

His brother gently smiles at him while leaning in and ruffling his hair. As his brother softly shuts the door behind him, He Tian reaches over and runs his palm across the guitar case. It’s not like He Tian was poor, he could have afforded a bass guitar for himself if he had asked his brother about it, but he just never allowed himself to have one. 

Like when your dreams are within your grasp but you are too afraid to make the leap because you don’t want to disappoint yourself.

That’s what music was to him. 

But right now with Guan Shan away from him, he needed something so desperately to hang onto, to pour all these emotions unto. So he carefully takes out the guitar and plucks a few strings. 

The music notes vibrate in the air and without even knowing he found his mouth lifting up into a smile. 

He strums his fingers across the strings some more. 

* * *

Guan Shan only zones back to reality when he sees a flash of red hair in the corner of eyes, hair as red as his. The venue was almost filled, and even his section has people slowly piling inside. Most were wearing sunglasses or huge masks that covered half their face, but even if their faces were fully visible Guan Shan doubts he would know half of them. He’s not exactly well versed in celebrities. But the bright red hair caught his eyes instantly because of its rarity. He looks back towards it and to no surprise finds that it is Li Xiu Ying. 

“He pushed me all the way back here! Is he crazy?! This is the worst seat in this section” he hears her shriek. 

Guan Shan couldn’t help but scoff as he felt a sense of accomplishment. He has a better seat than the _ supermodel _ Li Xiu Ying. But embarrassment soon overwhelmed him. _ What a dumb thing to be prideful about... _

Guan Shan squirms in his seat as the lights get dimmer and the whole venue becomes silent with a few hushes. He hears someone walk towards his seat and sit down next to him. 

“I’m back,” Hana says, but Guan Shan doesn’t even spare her a glance, his eyes focused on the stage.

His legs bounce up and down and Hana eyes his stance of nervousness in curiosity, “He’ll do great, he always does, don’t worry,” Hana whispers to him. 

“I’m not worried about him,” Guan Shan mumbles back and cheers erupt from the crowd as the band members enter the stage and Guan Shan’s heart skips a beat with the sight of He Tian. 

The stage light illuminates him so perfectly that every feature of his was sharp, and his hair was wet giving him the ‘I just got out of the shower’ look. As usual, he is wearing black ripped jeans paired with combat boots but this time He Tian is wearing a red leather jacket that was on him so tightly that it's practically like a second skin. Then Guan Shan’s brain finally catches up with his eyes when he realizes that He Tian isn't wearing anything underneath his leather jacket. His toned abdomen out for everyone to see. The crowd must have caught it at the same time he did because there is a deafening roar coming from them. 

Hana winces, “Gosh I knew people were going to go absolutely nuts.” 

“Holy shit,” was all Guan Shan could say, his mouth slightly open despite himself. Hana couldn’t help but smirk at the redhead’s response. 

He Tian steps up the mike, and the whole crowd quiets down, “Hey guys,” is all he says before the crowd starts losing it again. 

Guan Shan closes his gaping mouth and couldn’t help but snort at the reaction of the crowd. 

Hana sighs beside him, “I know right, he’s not that good looking,” 

Guan Shan smiles back at her, his eyes slightly twinkling in excitement and before his brain could catch up to his mouth he says, “Well he kind of is.” 

Hana raises his eyebrows, “Forgot you had it as bad the rest of them,” she says, her voice barely audible over the rest of the band members speaking on stage. 

Before Guan Shan could protest she adds, “But it’s okay because he has it as bad for you, honestly he’s probably worse.” 

The crowd cheers and Guan Shan forces himself to look back onto the stage because he has no idea how to even begin to respond to that idea. 

His mind now buzzes due to the noise and with the idea that He Tian could even begin to feel as strongly for him as he does for the other.

He Tian has the mic again, “This album was one of my favourites to write,” he announces proudly, “as many of you already know it’s about heartbreak...Well aren’t all my songs,” the crowd laughs and He Tian looks at them, a smile on his face that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “I mean what’s love without a bit of heartbreak.” 

The crowd cheers again but Guan Shan feels a dull ache in his chest.

_ What is love without a bit of heartbreak? _

Before he could recover from that statement the music started and for once Guan Shan is lost in it. 

* * *

He Tian looks towards the VIP section and spots Guan Shan, his red hair standing out and his face holding a peculiar expression, something that He Tian hasn’t seen before or at least hasn’t seen in a long time.

A look of awe.

He Tian feels the adrenaline pumping through his veins and his heart soars. He strums across the bass guitar strings like the guitar was a part of his own body and in some ways, over the years, it has become a part of him. Just like how Guan Shan has always been a part of him even though he wasn’t physically with him for years. He mouths the lyrics to his songs while staring directly at Guan Shan.

He wants to make sure the redhead knows that these words are for him. That they were always for him. 

Since the day he played the first few notes on his own bass guitar, the music he had played, that he had written, has been for Guan Shan. The notes coming together with his affection for the other, with his love for the other. 

His one and only muse. 

Unlike contrary belief, He Tian had always been a coward, especially in the matter of the heart. But music had always given him an outlet to be brave. 

_ Let him know _ the voice inside him rang loudly, _ let him know through your music how much you love him. _

_ And this time makes sure he listens. _

And sure enough, this time, Guan Shan is finally listening. 

* * *

The crowd roared as the band leaves the stage in a blur of red but Guan Shan barely registers it. His body trembling and his mind scrambled with He Tian’s lyrics, his burning gaze and the notes that had sifted through the air and embodied him like they were for him, and him only. 

“Guan Shan,” Hana whispers carefully as the people around them get up to leave, “are you okay?” 

Guan Shan is not okay. His heart is beating so fast and hard in his chest that he is sure he’s going to pass out soon.

_ “My songs are all about you. Have always been all about you.” _He Tian had once said, but hearing him say that and knowing it’s true are two different things. He feels like throwing up all over again like he did the last time he was confronted with the idea, but he holds it in. Because last time he didn’t hear the love echoing through the songs, he didn’t hear the desperation in the music to be heard by their loved one and he definitely didn’t feel like he was being confessed to by He Tian. 

Yes, Guan Shan has the urge to throw up because this is too much of an emotional process for him, but right now he has more urgent matters to deal with. 

“Guan Shan,” Hana calls him again, her voice more worried than before. They are the only ones left in the auditorium. 

“He Tian,” Guan Shan starts to say, staring straight ahead at the now empty stage, his voice hoarse and his palms sweaty, “is in love with me.” 

Hana smiles at him softly, “Well you’re a bit late to the game buddy, but better later than never I suppose,” when Guan Shan doesn’t respond she continues, “do you love him too?” 

Guan Shan gulps and turns around to stare back at Hana who's looking at him like he’s something fragile. 

“Yes,” he says, and despite how hoarse his throat feels that word rings loud and clear. 

Hana smiles at him brightly and reaches into her pocket. She pulls out a card and places it onto Guan Shan’s lap. 

“This is my security card, it gives you access to backstage. Access to it is near the entrance where you came from. There’s a neon sign saying backstage so it’s hard to miss. He Tian is probably in his dressing room. Go.” 

Guan Shan doesn’t even think about it, he grabs the card and dashes. 

* * *

_ Aren’t you tired of it? _ A voice inside him asks as he stares at his empty apartment. The new owners would come soon, but he couldn’t leave. His legs firmly planted on the dark red carpet of the apartment building’s hallway as he stares into his now old apartment. His mind rushing through the memories of the place. Him cooking with his mom. Playing video games with He Tian. Every laugh, banter and moment of happiness echoing through his mind. 

_ Aren’t you tired of it? _ The voice asks again. _ Of being unhappy? _

He pulls out his phone and opens up his contacts list. Since he blocked He Tian’s number, the only other contact he has is his mother. He rings up his mother’s number and listens to the dull tone telling him to leave a message. Not that he was expecting anyone to pick up, but hearing the dull tone felt like someone twisting a knife in his heart. With a lump in his throat, he hangs up. 

_ Aren’t you tired of being alone? _

He thumbs through his phone and stares at the unblock button by He Tian’s name. He stares at it until he hears the elevator ring, and sees the new owners walk up the hallway towards his home. Well, not _his _ home anymore. 

He takes in a deep breath and on impulse deletes He Tian’s number. He puts his phone back into his pocket and turns around to greet the new owners of his home. 

_ Aren’t you tired of it? _ The voice repeats again. _ Of letting yourself be unhappy? _

* * *

As Guan Shan hurriedly scans the card by the red neon sign that reads ‘backstage’ there’s only one thought that is running through his mind. 

He’s finally going to let himself be happy. 

As he enters backstage a man by the door gives him a strange look, surely due to the erratic and insane look in Guan Shan’s eyes as he practically hurries inside like he’s on a mission. The man, probably the bodyguard, walks towards him and Guan Shan’s heart freezes in his chest with the thought of being kicked out. 

Suddenly, Zheng Xi, which Guan Shan vaguely remembers to be the drummer, grabs him by the shoulders. 

“You’re Guan Shan right?” the other says with an awfully wide smile in his face, “Here to see He Tian? Great. I’ll lead you to him.”

The bodyguard sighs in visible relief and walks away. 

Before Guan Shan could even think of a response Zheng Xi is dragging him towards a door with a taped-on white paper that reads, ‘He Tian’s Dressing Room’. 

Suddenly, Guan Shan has a strong urge to run away. In all honesty, his cowardly heart would have done so if it weren’t for how hard Zheng Xi was staring him down, waiting for him to go inside. As if he could tell Guan Shan was a man who ran from feelings. 

“I’ll push you through this door if I have to,” the drummer warns. 

Guan Shan takes in a deep breath and knocks on the door. Zheng Xi smiles and walks away while saying, “Don’t worry I’ll make sure no one interrupts you guys.” 

Before Guan Shan can fully digest the full meaning behind that the door opens. He Tian stands in front of him, wide-eyed at the sight of the redhead. Guan Shan opens his mouth to speak but his words get lost somewhere in his throat as his eyes register the fact that He Tian is shirtless. 

“Guan Shan,” He Tian says softly in surprise, “You’re here?” 

Guan Shan pulls his eyes up back to He Tian’s face and the genuine look of wonder and adoration on the other’s face leaves him breathless. He wants to beat himself up for not noticing the way He Tian had looked at him all those years. 

But the words are still stuck in his throat. Thankfully his body manages to pull the rest of him together because he finds himself placing a palm on He Tian’s chest and pushing him away from the door as he walks into the dressing room. He Tian lets go of the door in surprise and it clicks shut behind them. 

Guan Shan opens his mouth to speak again but his verbal skills must have been lost somewhere between the run from the auditorium to here because he’s still unable to form a sound. 

He Tian continues to stare at him in shock like he doesn’t quite believe what is happening right in front of him. 

Guan Shan's heart beats wildly in his chest. He has always been more of an action before words type of guy anyway. So he surges forward and kisses He Tian softly on his lips. 

A gentle, shy, chaste kiss. A first kiss. 

When he leans back his lips burn for more and He Tian is still staring at Guan Shan like he is going to disappear any second. 

“Guan Shan,” He Tian chokes out. 

Guan Shan doesn’t hear the rest of what He Tian was planning to say, if he was planning to say anything at all, because the redhead is leaning towards the other again. This time He Tian meets him halfway. 

This time when their lips meet it isn't anywhere near gentle. As their lips crash, Guan Shan reaches forward and desperately clutches unto He Tian’s shoulder, pulling them closer to each other. He Tian wraps his arms around Guan Shan’s waist pressing them together and Guan Shan shivers as he feels He Tian’s bare skin. They are so close that Guan Shan could feel He Tian’s heartbeat pounding, as fast and loud as his heart. 

And god it finally dawns unto him that he’s kissing He Tian. That it’s real. He Tian’s lips are actually pressed against his and He Tian is kissing him back. Kissing him back like his life depended on it. 

In a few seconds, it turns messy and slick, and as He Tian slowly licks into his mouth an embarrassingly desperate moan escapes Guan Shan’s mouth. And it dawns unto him how badly he wanted this, how badly he wants He Tian. That realization triggers his flight or fight instinct and he finds himself pulling away. But He Tian still has his arms wrapped around him so he couldn’t move away. 

He Tian presses his forehead against the other’s and in a low raspy tone he whispers, “Guan Shan.” 

It was just his name, but the way He Tian says it, like it’s something precious, makes Guan Shan want to cry or laugh in joy. 

Oh, how could he ever think of running away from this man? Running away from his feelings for this man...

“I heard your song,” Guan Shan manages to say, _ I heard you. _

He Tian smiles softly, and moves his head back slightly so that he could look at the other, “Did you like it?” 

Guan Shan gulps, a simple yes wouldn't suffice. It wouldn’t be enough to express what he’s feeling. 

_ Guan Shan, for once, say what you mean. _

He curls his hands into a fist and takes in a deep breath. Quietly, and so softly that if He Tian wasn’t listening so carefully he would have missed it, Guan Shan whispers, 

“I love you too. I always have.” 

Guan Shan sees He Tian’s eyes widen in surprise at his confession and his heart aches from the reaction. He Tian’s mouth lifts in the most gentle smile that Guan Shan has ever seen, “Oh redhead, you never cease to surprise me.” 

He runs his thumb across Guan Shan’s jaw softly, “If it wasn’t clear through my songs. I love you too. I always have.” 

Guan Shan’s heart beats wildly, he pulls He Tian towards him again and kisses him.

He kisses him till their lips are puffy and their eyes are shining with tears unshed. 

He kisses him with everything he has got and even when they stop to catch their breath they rest their foreheads against each other's. 

Quietly listening to each other’s breaths. 

Their heartbeats music to each other’s ears. 

* * *

He Tian runs his fingers through Guan Shan’s hair as the other curls up against him on his dressing room sofa. Outside He Tian could hear the manager trying to gather everyone for the after party and thankfully everyone there has the sense to not come to get him. If someone were to interrupt him right now he might have to commit murder. 

It still feels unreal. 

It still feels like he’s dreaming. 

But no, the Guan Shan in his dreams is never this real. He could feel the warmth radiating from the body leaning against him. His lips are still sore from the desperate kisses they had shared. The small noises that Guan Shan made as he kissed the other still ring in his ears. 

“What are you thinking about?” Guan Shan mumbles. 

He Tian smiles devilishly, “I’m thinking about the noises you made while we made out.” 

Guan Shan snorts in disbelief but doesn’t move away from He Tian, “You’re such a pervert.” 

“A pervert that you love ~” He Tian teasingly replies back. 

Guan Shan buries his head against the other’s chest, “I guess I have a horrible taste then,” he huffs into it. 

“Guan Shan I want to go on a date,” He Tian retorts suddenly, “I want us to actually be a… thing.” 

Guan Shan stills, and He Tian’s heart is in his throat. He doesn’t stop running his fingers through the other’s hair though, the action more of a way to calm himself than the other. 

“Okay,” Guan Shan replies after a while, he lifts his head back up and stares at He Tian, “I guess I would… like that…” 

He Tian kisses the top of Guan Shan’s forehead, “Thank you.” 

Guan Shan rolls his eyes, “For what? Agreeing to date you?” 

He Tian shakes his head, “For being here. For existing. ” 

Guan Shan sighs and reaches over to pinch the other’s cheeks, “Stop being cheesy.” 

He Tian’s laughs and Guan Shan can not help but smile at that. 

“I’m a songwriter, I’m supposed to be cheesy.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Guan Shan replies as he places his head back on the other’s chest, “Speaking of that, don’t you have some after party to go to?” 

“Hmmm I rather stay with you.” 

“Yeah but the venue is going to close soon, we can’t stay here forever.” 

“Wanna go to your place?” He Tian teasingly suggests, his voice dripping with obvious intention. 

Guan Shan pinches the other’s waist, “Don’t be gross.” 

He Tian giggles, “We can go to the convenience store. It could be like a date?” 

Guan Shan sits up from the lying position that he was in. He stares down at He Tian, his eyes soft and his face flushed. 

“Yeah, okay,” he says slowly, “I would like that, a lot, actually.” 

He Tian stares at the clock behind Guan Shan, there were 15 minutes left till somebody from the venue would have to come and force them to get up. 

He reaches over and tugs on Guan Shan’s jacket, “We have a couple of minutes. Want to continue cuddling?” 

Guan Shan’s face turns even redder, “You’re so weird,” he says but he lies down again and snuggles up to He Tian, “so fucking weird.” 

He Tian chuckles as he wraps his arms around the other. 

“Sing for me,” Guan Shan whispers suddenly, “You never actually sang any of the songs you wrote in the concert … so um I just…” he trails off in nervousness. 

He Tian wraps his arms around the other tightly in reassurance, “Of course, my muse.” 

He Tian sings and Guan Shan listens. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took almost a year but i'm done wohoo ~ 
> 
> thank you so much for all the readers who patiently waited for updates, and left comments and kudos! honestly i wouldn't have been able to finish the fic without all the support! 
> 
> i initially thought of making this into a series and writing a sequel about their relationship after this but so far i have no inspiration or ideas of how i'm gonna go with that 
> 
> so if you have any ideas please contact me through [CC](https://curiouscat.me/starlightstarshine)  
or dm me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/starlightstars_) and i will definitely consider writing it if it is a prompt that i am comfortable with 
> 
> aside from that, i do have some ideas for a tianshan 10 things i hate about you au so that could be something to look forward to if you want some new tianshan stuff from me! 
> 
> thanks for reading and hopefully i see you in my next fic!


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